FLOW
by Patcat
Summary: Written in response to a challenge at Amorous Intent on how things might end. This was written before the events of Season 6, and I've elected not to make any changes.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

Bobby winced as the lamp's light struck his eyes. He pierced the bridge of his nose and tried to take a calming breath, but the moves only increased the raging pain behind his eyes.

"Hey." Alex's soft voice broke through the fog of pain. "You ok?"

"Bad headache," Bobby answered and attempted to concentrate on the report on his desk. The words jumped and blurred on the page, and Bobby realized that the headache had been attacking him with greater ferocity for at least two days.

Alex studied her partner carefully. He rarely complained about any discomfort, so the pain must be very bad if he'd admit to it. And she realized this headache had plagued Bobby for some time.

"Have you taken something for it?" She leaned across their desks.

"Uh, yea…different over the counter stuff…" Bobby's voice echoed inside his brain, each wave of sound increasing the agony in his head. "None of them seem to help."

Alex's face loomed in front of him; she looked terribly worried. "Bobby." Her voice was strained but gentle. He felt her hand on his shoulder. "Are you really ok?"

Bobby stared at her. Her voice reverberated in the chambers of his head. His right arm and leg were numb and appeared to be getting more so by the minute. His attention turned to his right hand; it rested flatly on the paper on his desk. He desperately wanted his fingers to grasp the paper, but the hand refused to obey him. He looked back to Alex, who seemed to be becoming more frightened. Bobby struggled to say something, but the effort resulted in garbled and warped sounds. Fear rose in him.

"Bobby." In spite of her growing panic, Alex's voice sounded calm. "Something's wrong…I'm getting help…"

He became dimly aware of furious activity in the Major Case Squad Room. Other detectives and officers scurried back and forth; the Captain's form hovered near Alex. Bobby tried to move, to rise from his chair, but his right leg was as useless as his arm. He felt Alex's hand on his left arm. When she pulled it away, Bobby gave a weak cry. Her hand returned immediately.

"Hang on…an ambulance is coming…" she said softly.

Terror seized Bobby. "I'm going crazy," he thought. "It's finally happened…my mind has snapped…no…please…" He pleaded with a God he'd never understood. "Please…let me die…don't let me be insane…or a vegetable…like my Mom…who'll take care of my Mom? ...Work…what if I can't work? Alex…Alex…what will I do without Alex…"

Alex watched as fear spread through Bobby's eyes. "Oh no," she thought. "He thinks he's going crazy…I…I need to tell him what's going on…give him the truth…something to help him fight…"

She gripped his arm. "Bobby." She fought to keep her voice calm and even. "You're showing a lot of the signs of…of a stroke…you're not crazy…this is physical…we'll deal with this…" She focused on his dark eyes and tried to ignore the growing weakness on the right side of his face. "Bobby, if you understand me, please…squeeze my hand twice…"

There was a pause of two of the most awful moments of Alex's life. Bobby finally, weakly squeezed Alex's hand two times. "Ok," she said, unable to hide the relief in her voice.

The EMTs appeared in the office. They gently but firmly pushed away Alex and the other officers, and surrounded Bobby. He watched Alex with desperate, wide eyes; she prayed to a God with which she felt increasingly at war. "Please," she thought. "Please let him be ok…if he has to be hurt, don't let it be his mind. Please don't take away his mind and words…I know you don't make deals, but anything…I'll do it…please…"

The EMTs moved Bobby with some difficulty to a gurney; both his size and useless right side worked against any easy movement. Before anyone could question her, Alex followed as Bobby was wheeled towards the elevator. The Captain walked behind her. "I'll contact people," he said.

"Who?" Alex thought. "Who is there to contact?"

They reached the elevator. "Call me, Alex," the Captain said. He helped hold the elevator door open. "Please…let us know how he is…"

As the elevator door closed, Alex realized that the new Captain had called her by her first name for the first time.

End Chapter One


	2. Chapter 2

I am not a doctor nor do I play one on TV. My knowledge of strokes and their treatment comes from some family history and a cursory bit of research.

Chapter Two

Alex sat in a corner of the examination room. Her back and legs ached from the small, plastic chair, and she desperately wanted a cup of coffee. But she didn't dare leave; she'd fought to be allowed in the room with Bobby and feared that if she left she wouldn't be allowed back in. Hospitals apparently refused to recognize a psychic link between two people as being on the same level as a blood tie or marriage. She knew the only reason the flustered nurse at the emergency room door had let her in was because the young woman misunderstood just what kind of a partnership existed between Alex and Bobby. Alex felt increasingly frustrated. Flocks of young doctors and nurses flew in and out of the room and hovered over Bobby, poking him with needles, drawing quarts of blood, peppering him with questions. She could see the growing exhaustion, fear, and anger in Bobby's eyes; she couldn't see that anyone or anything was helping him.

"He's having trouble talking!" Alex finally yelled as her frustration exploded. "It's obvious what's happening to him…why aren't you treating him…why aren't you getting X-Rays and CAT scans and MRIs and all of those things?"

She spoke with more anger than she knew or wanted. The doctors and nurses spun to look at her, and Alex thought that she saw even Bobby's eyes widen. One of the doctors shared a quick look with her colleagues and walked over to Alex.

"Ms. Eames," she said quietly. "Why don't we step outside…"

"No," Alex said firmly. "I'm not leaving him…I'm staying with him…"

"All right." The doctor spoke soothingly. "I assure you we're doing everything we can for Mr. Goren. I've ordered those tests you've mentioned…and we're giving him what medications we can…we need to be sure what's wrong and why before we give him some treatments…and make sure he's stable before we move him."

The doctor's words slightly calmed Alex. "Look," she said, standing to make her point. "I'm sure you're good at what you do…but I want Dr. Mark Wexler…I know he's associated with this hospital…I know he's one of the best…he headed the treatment of my mother…"

The doctor smiled. "Would it help if you knew that I trained and studied with Dr. Wexler…and that he chose me to be head of this team?"

Alex flushed. "Yes…that helps…I'm sorry…" She looked at Bobby; she could just see his face through the crowd of doctors. "It's just…I want to help him…I want him to have the best…"

"I understand…and he'll get the best care." The doctor gently touched Alex's arm. "If you can come with me, I'll explain to you what's going on."

"I don't want to leave him," Alex said, her eyes on Bobby.

"We're going to be moving him soon for some of those tests," the doctor said. "Here, come with me." She led Alex to Bobby's bedside. "Mr. Goren…Ms. Eames and I will be just outside the door…I promise you you'll see her again before we move you…"

Alex watched as Bobby struggled with his feelings and to speak. The doctor, placing a hand on his left arm, leaned over him. After a moment, she turned to Alex; Bobby appeared calmer.

"He's ok for the moment," the doctor said and guided Alex from the room.

"First," the doctor said as soon as the door closed behind them. "My name is Rachel Lynne." The name was vaguely familiar to Alex from the days after her mother's stroke. "I'm sure you've guessed that Mr. Goren has suffered some brain trauma…and that all signs indicate it's a stroke…we need to rule out other possibilities…and if it's a stroke, to determine what kind and where it is…"

"How…how bad is it?" Alex asked, fearing the answer.

"Well, you can see his right side is affected…and his speech…but it's also clear he understands what's being said to him…and he makes the correct responses as much as he's able. Just now…when I spoke to him…he whispered "Ok" to me…all of these are very good signs…"

Alex liked Dr. Lynne; she liked the comforting tone of her voice and her quiet acceptance of Alex's right to be fighting for Bobby. But her worries remained.

"He…he's not that old," Alex said shakily.

Dr. Lynne nodded. "True…and he's in relatively good health…but I understand he smokes…he's had some fluctuations in weight…and he's in a very high stress job."

Alex stared at the floor. "He's tried…to stop smoking…and watch his weight…it's hard…" She shook her head. "And the stress…it's part of the job…"

"I understand," Dr. Lynne said. "Do you know if there's a history of stroke or other related diseases in his family?"

"No…look, Doctor…I'm…I'm not his romantic partner…I'm his professional partner…but I'm his best friend…we're closer than most married couples…" Alex swallowed; she loathed revealing Bobby's personal history. "His…his father abandoned the family…I'm not sure what he died from, but I think it was alcoholism…His older brother…Bobby hasn't heard from him in years…his mother…his mother has schizophrenia…very bad…she's been institutionalized for years…it's one of the reasons why he's so scared…look…he doesn't have any relatives…any one who can help him…I'm not going to leave him alone…."

"Of course," Dr. Lynne said after she took a moment to digest the information Alex gave her. "I understand that you are Mr. Goren's legal medical representative…"

Alex flashed back to a brief conversation she'd had with Bobby some three years earlier after they both knew that their partnership would not only survive but was clearly something to be treasured. He'd hesitantly approached her about acting as his representative, apologizing for intruding on her life and giving her every opportunity to turn him down. Although she sensed he expected her to avoid the responsibility, Alex felt strangely pleased and honored, and told Bobby that as she answered "yes."

"Well," Alex thought. "I guess now's the time I work for that honor."

"Don't worry," Dr. Lynne said. "I'll make sure no one keeps you from Mr. Goren. We're ready to move him for the tests now…after those he'll be moved to the ICU…one of the nurses will take you to the ICU waiting room…you can get some coffee there…you can speak with Mr. Goren, but it needs to be short…"

He was still terribly pale and frightened, but the right side of his face didn't appear as distorted as before. She leaned over him and held his left hand; she was relieved that the grip in that hand was strong.

"It's…" Alex paused. She didn't want to tell Bobby that everything was all right when it was obviously not. "They're going to run some tests…I'm not going anywhere…I'll see you when they're done…"

He struggled to speak, and Alex lowered her head closer to him.

"I'm…I'm sorry…" The words were slurred and his voice very low, but she understood him. "Th….Thank…Thank you."

End Chapter Two


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Alex stretched and tried to find a comfortable position on the waiting room couch.

"It's not that old," she thought. "What do hospitals do…buy them with the lumps already in them?" She stared at the room's clock and was stunned to discover only a half hour had passed since she'd said goodbye to Bobby. "Oh, damn," she said as she rubbed her eyes.

"Alex." She turned towards the familiar voice of James Deakins.

"Captain," she answered without thinking as she moved to meet him. She stopped a few feet from him. "Oh." A hand flew to her mouth. "I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…"

He stepped to her and placed a hand on her shoulder. "It's ok, Alex…I still answer to it."

Alex wavered on her feet, and when she finally moved she didn't fall into Deakins' embrace as much as she didn't fight his effort to pull her to him.

"How is he?" His voice rumbled in her ears.

"He's…his right side is paralyzed…he's having trouble speaking…"

"What do they think is wrong?" Deakins' voice was very calm.

"They think…think he had a stroke."

"A stroke? But Bobby's…"

"Too young?" Alex couldn't quite keep a bitter edge out of her voice. "Apparently not…"

"Of course," Deakins said with resignation. "And with the stress of the job…"

"And everything else in his life," Alex mumbled against Deakins' jacket. "How did you find out?"

"Mike Logan called me first…and I received several calls as I drove here." Deakins gently released Alex. "Logan wanted me to tell you he'll be here as soon as he can…and he's bringing anyone who can make it from Major Case…"

Alex wiped her eyes. "That reminds me. I need to call the office and let them know what's going on."

Ross was relieved to hear from Alex and to learn that Deakins was at the hospital. "Logan will be there soon…and other guys from Major Case…I'll be there as soon as I'm able…if you need anything, anything at all…call me…"

"What I need," Alex thought. "Is Bobby…Bobby, well and strong and goofy…" She gained control of her thoughts. "Thank you, Captain…I will."

She returned to the waiting room to find Deakins speaking to a solidly built black man with a pony tail. From his clothing, Alex guessed he was a drug dealer, a player, or a cop; from Deakins' attitude towards the stranger, she guessed he was a cop.

"Alex," Deakins said as he saw her. "This is Odafin Tutuola, now with SVU, formerly with Narcotics…he worked with Bobby there…Fin, Alex Eames…one of the best."

Fin extended a hand; his grip was strong and reassuring. "Eames…good to meet you…Goren's said good, really good, things about you…"

"Thank you," Alex said. "Bobby's said good things about you, too. How did you find out…"

"Cop grapevine," Fin said quietly. "Look, Goren and I aren't exactly close…neither of us is that sort of guy…but he was a great partner and we've stayed in touch…I'm the first rep from SVU…we'll have some more people coming later…Olivia Benson wanted to be here for you…"

"Thanks," Alex said softly. She was touched and grateful; she didn't know Fin at all, and her contact with Benson had been largely at meetings of women police associations.

"Don't worry," Fin said. "He's tough…I've seen him talk his way out of situations that would freeze another guy's blood…He'll be ok…"

Fin said the right things, but Alex could only think, "But he can't talk…his strongest weapon…his brain… has turned on him."

She thought hours had passed, but a glance at the clock told Alex that little over an hour had gone by since Deakins' arrival when Dr. Lynne appeared in the room. Alex quickly and brusquely introduced her to Deakins and Fin and hoped that everyone would excuse her lack of etiquette.

Dr. Lynne certainly seemed to understand. She guided Alex to a chair, and invited Deakins and Fin to sit as well.

"Ms. Eames, you'll be glad to know that I've contacted Dr. Wexler…and he'll be consulting on Mr. Goren's case," she said quietly. "Now, as for Mr. Goren's condition. He has suffered a stroke, one caused by a thrombosis—a clot. It was located on the left side of his brain, hence the paralysis on his right side."

Alex thought she saw Fin flinch.

"The clot's location also explains his speech difficulties."

One of Deakins' hands rested over one of Alex's; it tightened slightly.

"How bad is it?" Deakins asked gently. "What's the outlook?"

"It's too soon to tell," Dr. Lynne said cautiously. "We'll know more in a few hours…We've placed Mr. Goren on anti-coagulants and other medications…the good news is that the clot appeared to be dissolving even before we started treatments…and while he had difficulty speaking, he understood what was said to him…he was diagnosed and treated quickly…not to blow our own horn too much, but this hospital has one of the best teams in the country to deal with strokes…we call ourselves the Brain Attack team, and we're very good at what we do…"

"You're not considering surgery?" Alex asked.

Dr. Lynne shook her head. "Not if we can avoid it…Brain surgery always carries risks…and with the medication we have him on, the risks are greatly increased." She looked steadily at Alex. "I don't want to give you any false hopes, Ms. Eames….but I also don't want to be too negative…we honestly don't know what will happen…but his age, his relatively good physical condition…the fact the clot was dissolving, that his speech improved slightly before we began treatment, that he understands what's going on around him…all of these are good signs."

Alex felt part of the large monster that had been sitting on her chest since Bobby first complained of pain shift. "How soon will we know?"

"A few hours…I'm sorry I can't give you more information…It's frustrating for us, too." Dr. Lynne smiled.

"Can we see him?" Deakins asked.

"Of course," the doctor replied. "Just follow me..." She stood. "But he's in the ICU…you can only see him for a moment…and I need to warn you…there are several machines monitoring and helping him…and the medications and tests and everything he's gone through have left him pretty exhausted…"

Alex could see Bobby through the glassed walls of the ICU; the glass distorted his image, and a vision of her mother just after her stroke flashed through Alex's brain. Alex shivered, and Deakins placed a hand on her shoulder.

"He's not my Mom," Alex thought, and the idea both reassured and terrified her. Her mother survived her stroke, but it required several years of painful and exhausting physical and emotional therapy and the combined efforts of the Eames horde to achieve that survival. Her mother still suffered from an occasionally suspect memory, occasionally struggled to find words, and occasionally needed the aid of a wheelchair. Alex couldn't envision Bobby adapting well to any of these potential disabilities. And if he faced a long, difficult recovery, who would help him? Her mother's doctors and therapists stressed constantly the importance of her family in her recovery. What chance would Bobby have alone?

"He won't be alone," Alex thought. "I'll help him…I'll do everything I can…my career…it'll have to go on hold…God…again…I know you don't make deals…but if he survives…and you gotta let him survive…I'll take care of him…I swear."

The thoughts raced through her mind as she approached Bobby's bed. He was very pale and still, and wires and tubes were everywhere. Several machines created a steady hum of background noise, and Alex tried not to consider what the end of any of those hums might mean. Bobby was, at least, breathing on his own, although tubes bearing oxygen sneaked into his nose. Pillows were propped against his right side. Alex reached to smooth several wandering curls on his head and held his left hand. His hand felt wonderfully warm, and the right side of his face appeared slightly stronger than when she'd last seen him.

At her touch, his long eyelashes fluttered; when she took his hand, his eyes flickered open. He looked up and struggled to focus on her. She leaned to him.

"Sh-h…take it easy…it's ok."

He gripped her hand; his strength filled her with hope.

"I…I…" His eyes were filled with fear and pain and confusion, and the right side of his face drooped again. She moved her head closer to his.

"It's ok," she said gently. "Take your time."

He swallowed. "I…I'm…sorry." His voice was very soft, the words slurred, and it took a great deal of effort for him to speak. The fact that he could speak at all filled Alex with some more hope. "Afraid…Don't go…"

"I won't leave…I'll be right here…you can rest…I'm here…I'm here…"

His eyes lost some of their fear and fluttered shut. He fell into an exhausted oblivion.

END Chapter Three


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

True to his word, Mike Logan arrived at the hospital roughly a half hour after Bobby was moved to the ICU. He brought with him a large thermos of good, strong coffee and the promised arrival of more Major Case Squad members. Alex's brother who was also a cop appeared bearing sandwiches from his squad's favorite deli. Her brother-in-law showed up with sweet scented bags from the bakery near his fire station. Aside from the coffee, which she gulped as if it were an elixir of life, Alex ignored the offerings. She was grateful that there was something more than vending machines and the suspect cafeteria food to offer the surprisingly large crowd of cops that wandered through the waiting room. Nearly all of Major Case was there, with the few no-shows sending regrets and promises to come by soon; they greeted Deakins warmly and told Alex not to worry about work. Several of Bobby's former partners from Narcotics arrived and huddled with Fin. As Fin promised, Olivia Benson appeared and quietly drew Alex aside.

"How are you doing?" she asked.

"I…I don't know," Alex confessed. "I…we…talked about being hit from the outside…the idea that…that it could come from inside…that his brain…" A sob rose in her throat. Olivia carefully and quickly maneuvered her to the Ladies' room.

"You can let go, Alex," she said gently. "It's all right."

"I can't…I can't…it's not allowed…I…I" Even as she struggled for control, Alex realized the lunacy of her words.

Olivia handed Alex several tissues. "No one is here but me…and I'm not going to tell anyone anything…if you need to…let go…"

Alex clutched the tissues. "What am I going to do?" she whispered. "If…if he dies…or worse…and I…I can't help him. Olivia…he doesn't have anyone…I'm the only one…who can help him…what if I can't?" Tears cascaded down her cheeks.

Olivia placed her hands on Alex's shoulders. "People will help you…people care about you…they care about Goren…look at the people who've come here…and the news about Goren hasn't reached everyone yet…you just need to ask for help…that is, if you're going to take this on…"

"Of course I'll take it on," Alex said sharply. "I've already taken it on…" She studied Olivia and shook her head. "Sorry…I don't mean to be angry at you…"

"It's ok," Olivia said.

"You're good at this," Alex said ruefully. "I have to warn you…you've established yourself as a shoulder to cry on."

"Happy to oblige," Olivia answered quietly. "Ready to go back?"

"Yea." Alex dabbed at her eyes. "I think I am."

There was, unfortunately, very little for the crowd to do. Many of the cops did what cops always did during a crisis while they waited in a hospital—they gave blood, visited kids, flirted with nurses, and drank coffee. Alex managed to get a few visitors in to glance at Bobby's unconscious form through the ICU window. All of them spoke the right words, telling Alex and each other that Bobby was tough, that he would be all rights, that they knew plenty of people who had recovered from far worse; but Alex noted that all of them were also clearly as worried and disturbed as she was.

"I'm not used to seeing him so quiet…so still," Fin confessed to her.

"I know." Alex nodded. "I've always thought only a moving picture could really capture Bobby."

The crowd lessened as the evening wore on. Alex saw Mike Logan speaking urgently with Ross and Deakins. Deakins and Ross had been extremely civil to each other through the evening, a fact that didn't surprise Alex. Both were too professional, too intelligent, too good of men to allow personal feelings to prevent them from helping one of their detectives. "And that's if they have any bad feelings toward each other," Alex thought. "Which they probably don't."

Logan cautiously approached Alex. "Listen," he said quietly. "We've got a watch going for Goren…between Major Case, your brother and his buddies, Goren's old associates from Narcotics, and people I don't know from where, we've got plenty of people signed up. You can go home…get some rest…or at least try to get some rest."

Alex shook her head. "I promised him. I don't want him to wake up without anyone…"

"He won't, Eames," Logan said patiently. "I talked to one of his nurses…he's going to be out for a while…probably until the morning…you'll be called…the nurses and the guys on the watch will make sure of it…if anything…ANYTHING…happens…"

Alex bit her lip. "But," she said, feeling horribly like an unreasonable child. "I promised him."

"Eames. You can't help him if you're exhausted." Logan was completely calm and reasonable. "This may take a while…and it's going to be hard…if you're going to help him, you gotta take care of yourself…you gotta let other people help you."

"You…you sure someone will call me…right away?" Alex asked tentatively.

"Cross my heart," Logan answered. He leaned closer to her. "Besides, I have to tell you…I'm the first wave…They sent me in to reason with you…if I fail, Ross and Deakins are prepared to go to Plan B."

"What's Plan B?" Alex asked.

"I'm not sure," Logan answered. "But it might be fun to find out…"

She took pity on Ross and Deakins, and even allowed Deakins to drive her home. Ross assured her not to worry about anything but Bobby. "Don't worry," he told her. "I'll run interference for you."

It was horribly quiet in Deakins' car. "Ross seems like a good guy," Deakins finally said.

Alex stirred from her dark thoughts. "Uh, yea…it's particularly good of him to give me the time…we're shorthanded right now…"

"Logan doing ok?" In spite of his casual tone, Alex noted some tension in Deakins' voice.

"He still feels awful about what happened to you," Alex said. "But he's a good cop and does great work. Ross is partnering him with a young detective Ross thinks a lot of…"

Deakins smiled. "Logan as a mentor. That'd be something to see…like Goren with Bishop…"

Silence shrouded the car.

"He'll be all right, Alex. You have to believe that." Deakins sounded as if he was trying to convince himself as much as Alex.

"I…I know." Alex stared out the car window. "It's just…it happened so suddenly…and he was…is…so still…and he…he has trouble talking…his life is his work…what if….what if he loses that?" It was a relief and a torture to speak the words.

"Alex…we have to hope for the best…" They had reached her home. "We all care about him…we can all help him."

Alex shivered; Deakins leaned over the car seat and hugged her. "He is not in this alone," Deakins said firmly. "You are not in this alone…try to get some sleep…I will be there tomorrow."

She nodded, slipped from his embrace, and headed to her door. Inside she saw that Deakins had waited until the lights came on in her window before driving away. Her bed called to her, but her mind jumped with worry. She checked her mail and made a mental note to pick up Bobby's and let his building super and landlord know about his situation as soon as possible. She checked her phone messages and found several, including one from her father. He apologized for not being at the hospital, promised to be there the next day, and offered to deal with the insurance. "Lord knows," he told her machine. "I've had enough experience with it." There were similar offers from her siblings and some friends.

"Carmel Ridge," Alex thought suddenly. "Someone needs to call them…" She had the number somewhere—soon after their partnership was truly established, Bobby had given it to her on the chance she might need to find him—but she had never had to use it. Alex finally found the number, took a deep breath, and dialed it. The young sounding man who answered was pleasant and efficient and gracefully accepted Alex's apology for calling so late. He was terribly sorry to learn of Mr. Goren's illness, and Alex thought the regret and concern in his voice went beyond professional courtesy. She heard him ruffle through papers.

"Here it is," he said. "A James Deakins called earlier this evening to let us know about Mr. Goren…he didn't have many details…"

"Of course he did," Alex thought. She gave the receptionist as much information as she could.

"Please," the young man said. "Let us know how he's doing…he's so good with his mother…he seems to be a very kind and good man."

Alex choked for a moment. "He is," she finally managed to say.

She tried to eat; she wandered around her apartment; took a shower; tried to watch television. As she curled up on her couch, her mind finally surrendered to her body, and she slept the sleep of the exhausted.

End Chapter Four


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

"I hate it when I wake up tired," Bobby thought. There was a distant, dull ache in his head; his throat felt raw and dry. "Boy, what did I do last night?" he thought. His left arm and leg were stiff, and his right side…He blinked. He couldn't feel, couldn't sense the right side of his body. "What's wrong?" Bobby thought. "What's happened to me?" Panic rose in him. "Calm down…you're supposed to be this genius…think…remember…" It hurt to think. "Well, that's strange…I didn't think it was possible for thinking to hurt…Alex…where's Alex?" His eyes—or at least his left eye—opened. He struggled to move and became aware of a presence on his right.

"Easy, Mr. Goren." The nurse's voice was calm and soothing. "You're in the hospital…"

Bobby fought to speak; he knew what he wanted to say, but his mouth refused to form the words.

The nurse leaned over him. "Take your time…be patient…"

"Ms. Eames…my…my partner…" he managed.

"She's in the waiting room…she's coming…" The nurse carefully adjusted his bed. "You must be thirsty…here's some water…drink it slowly…"

He sipped the water; the nurse held a small cloth at the side of his face. "Why is she doing that?" Bobby thought until he realized she was catching the water that slipped from the right side of his mouth. "What's wrong with me?" he thought. "Why is it so hard to speak? Have…have I had a stroke?"

Alex burst into the ICU. "Bobby!" she cried, unable to completely hide her relief and worry. She grasped his left hand.

"Al…Alex," Bobby gasped.

"I'm here…I'm here…don't worry…" Alex fought to control her voice. She leaned forward to hear his weak voice.

"What…" He slurred the words slightly. "Wrong?"

She winced at the effort it took for him to speak.

"You've had a stroke…caused by a clot." She spoke softly and carefully. "But your doctor said it's dissolving…your thinking is clear…you're much better than when you came to the hospital yesterday."

He was very white, and his dark eyes shone terribly. "P…p…paralyzed? Right side?"

Alex nodded. "For right now…but you're responding to treatments…you've got very good doctors…the best…they helped my Mom…you're going to be ok." Alex desperately hoped she sounded more confident than she felt.

A dark-haired woman in a white coat with warm green eyes appeared behind Alex and whispered to her. The fear simmering in him began to rise to a boil. He tried to move.

"Tell…tell me…what's going on," he gasped.

Alex tenderly gripped his left arm. "Bobby," she said gently, but, even in his own fright he sensed some of her fear. "This is Dr. Lynne…she's the doctor heading your case…you can trust her…she's great…I need to get out of her way…but I'm here…I'll be just in the corner…"

Her words calmed him. "'K'" he managed.

Alex hovered in the corner as Dr. Lynne patiently and carefully spoke with and examined Bobby. The fear in his eyes didn't disappear, but it slowly and steadily lessened. When the doctor gently probed Bobby's right arm and leg, Alex saw him slowly shake his head. After a few moments, Dr. Lynne motioned for Alex to come back to Bobby's bedside.

"I'd like you both to hear this," Dr. Lynne said. Her tone was professional and matter-of-fact. "Mr. Goren strikes me as someone who wants to know the truth…"

Alex felt a stone appear in her throat.

"And that he will deal best with a situation if he's armed with the facts," Dr. Lynne continued. "Am I right about that?"

Bobby and Alex nodded.

"All right." Dr. Lynne might have been lecturing a class. "The bad news first. Your right side, as you obviously know, is paralyzed…and you're having difficulty speaking."

Bobby watched her intently.

"We don't know how long these problems will last. It depends on how much damage the clot did to the areas of the brain that control those functions. The good news is that you're aware of these problems…you understand what's being said to you…you respond correctly as much as you can…your speech and physical abilities have improved from last night…and…" Dr. Lynne gave a quick smile. "You're left handed…which is no small blessing."

Alex felt a small pang of hope; Bobby looked wary and weary.

"The truth is that we'll need a couple of days before we know how much damage has been done…it's frustrating to me…I can only imagine how difficult it is for you. We're going to need to run more tests…I apologize for those…I know they're exhausting and frightening and sometimes painful." Dr. Lynne placed a hand on Bobby's left shoulder. "And we'll also be starting you on physical and speech therapy…"

Alex started. "So soon?" she asked and saw the same question in Bobby's eyes.

"Yes," Dr. Lynne said. "We've found that the sooner we start therapy, the better the results. But, Mr. Goren…if you have any pain, let the therapists know…let me know…you don't and shouldn't have to deal with it for one thing…and for another, it tells us a lot about what's going on inside you. So, no big tough guy ignoring the pain, ok?"

Bobby gave a weak, twisted smile. "'K'" he said after a brief struggle.

The doctor turned to Alex. "And I'm counting on you, Ms. Eames, to make sure he keeps that promise."

"I will…he will," Alex said firmly.

After Bobby was moved to a room in the hospital's stroke unit, the day became the first of many in his recovery. There was a routine, of sorts. After breakfast—a frequently long, exasperating affair where Bobby insisted on feeding himself (he eventually banned Alex from entering his room until after the meal because her frustration at his refusal to let her help him infuriated them both)—Bobby attended long, exasperating, and sometimes painful speech and physical therapy sessions. After lunch—another time when Bobby banned Alex from his presence—there was more therapy, including time in the hospital's new water therapy pool. By the time dinner arrived, Bobby was so exhausted that he allowed Alex to help him with his food. After dinner, there were usually one or two visitors—Deakins and Logan established a schedule where each visited roughly every other day. Fin appeared when he could. And, true to Mike Logan's promise, there was always a cop on hand to spell Alex.

Not that she'd allow anyone to spell her. Her life was the hospital and her apartment. She handled Bobby's landlord, Carmel Ridge, insurance and any other matters during the moments when Bobby was at therapy, resting, or telling her to get out of his room. She read to him, brought him music, and dealt with the hospital staff, many of whom assumed Alex must be Bobby's wife. When a tough Swiss Steak arrived for his dinner one night, Alex tracked down the nutritionist to give her a lecture on how unsuitable the meal was for a man struggling to make his body obey him; the slightly bemused woman was finally able to discover and explain to Alex that the wrong dinner had been delivered to Bobby. When Bobby returned from one therapy session with bruises on his right leg, Alex had read most of the riot act to the young nurses helping him into bed. Dr. Lynne arrived and quietly explained to her that Bobby had taken a slip, and the anticoagulants he was taking made the bruising worse than the accident really was.

"I'm sorry," Alex said after she calmed. "But he has to have someone look out for him…"

"It's all right…it's a very good thing, actually," Dr. Lynne said. "Patients need advocates…and you're a good one…you always apologize and say "please" and "thank you"."

Alex glanced at the young nurses in the hall. "They…they must hate me…"

"No," Dr. Lynne said quietly. "They like you…and they like Mr. Goren." The doctor leaned closer to Alex. "We treat all patients the same…we work hard for them…but we have to admit that we have some we really root for…and Mr. Goren is one of those…"

Bobby made clear, strong improvements during those early days. Much to everyone's relief, his speech improved immensely, partly as a result of the equally fine improvement to the muscles on the right side of his face. He regained some feeling in his right arm and leg; unfortunately, some of that feeling was pain. And the lack of control of those limbs remained. "You have to be patient," the therapist told Bobby. "We're trying to help your brain find new ways of reaching those muscles…it takes a while…"

Alex knew that at some point she had to return to work. During his frequent visits, Captain Ross dropped less and less subtle suggestions regarding Alex's absence from One Police Plaza. But it was Bobby who finally forced the subject at the end of his third week in the hospital. It was an evening when Bobby was even quieter than usual after his last visitor departed and Alex prepared to go home. It was one of the worst times of the day for him, when the long night without Alex and with his fears loomed before him.

"I'll be back tomorrow morning," Alex said. She knew Bobby hated for her to leave, and she tried to depart after he had fallen asleep. But this evening Bobby had fought against closing his eyes, and the nurses had already warned her twice that she had to leave.

"Alex," he said carefully and deliberately; his speech had improved, but it was still a struggle to get out the words.

"I promise…I'll be here tomorrow…" She slipped on her jacket.

"I…appreciate…everything…but…you have to get back to work." He leaned back against his pillows, quietly hating that speaking took so much effort.

"No, I don't," Alex said firmly. "You're my job right now."

Bobby stared at her. "No…I'm not…you have to work…have to go back…"

"Bobby…don't be ridiculous…Captain Ross…"

"Is a great guy…" Bobby marshaled his strength. "But you're not a relative or…" He swallowed. "Wife…you're my partner…you can't take too much leave…"

Alex struggled to control her temper. "Who put you up to this? Ross? One of the brass that pretends to care?"

"P…please…Alex…I…" Bobby had planned what to say to her, but in the face of her anger and his exhaustion the words slid away from him. "Please…"

A terrible thought struck Alex. "Do you not want me around?" she asked suddenly.

Bobby turned a ghastly shade of white. "Oh…no…no…I…" Tears began to flow from his eyes; he couldn't speak.

Guilt stabbed Alex; she reached for Bobby and wrapped her arms around him. "I'm sorry…sorry," she whispered. She reached for the tissues near his bed and tenderly wiped his face. "I tell you what," she said as she held his left hand. "I'll talk to the Captain…see about an adjusted schedule so I can ease back to work…and still be able to come and help you out, ok?"

Bobby nodded weakly; he was too exhausted and frightened to speak.

A nurse appeared at the door. "I'm terribly sorry, Ms. Eames…you really do need to leave…"

Alex glanced over her shoulder. "Please…just until he falls asleep…"

The nurse studied Alex and Bobby; clearly an emotional firestorm had just taken place. "All right," she said.

Alex held his hand until Bobby collapsed into sleep. She pulled the covers over him, hesitated, and then tenderly kissed him on the forehead. She managed to hold back the tears until she reached the elevator, then, once inside, she pressed the buttons to hold it in place until she could stop her sobs.

End Chapter Five


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

"Eames," Ross said. "Could I see you for a moment, please?" Catching her look, he smiled. "You're not in trouble…"

"Yes, sir," Alex replied and warily followed the Captain to his office. Five weeks had passed since Bobby's stroke, two weeks since Alex's return to the office. She began on a limited schedule, assisting other members of the squad, especially Logan and his new partner Wheeler. In many ways, work was a welcome break from what had become her new life at the hospital. Bobby continued to make progress, not as spectacularly as in the first days after the stroke, but progress nonetheless. Alex saw him daily; Mike Logan and James Deakins made regular visits. Bobby's other friends—Lewis, the tattooed motorcycle guy, a couple of willowy brunettes among them—appeared, each shocked by Bobby's appearance but relieved to find he was still Bobby. After his initial despair at seeing the shock and pity in their eyes, Bobby was always glad of the visits, but also relieved when the visitors left.

Ross sat across from Alex at what she finally accepted as his desk.

"I saw Goren yesterday," Ross said. "He seems better every time I see him."

Alex spoke eagerly. "He's doing great, sir…He's able to read now, which is a great thing for him…His speech is much better…His arm and leg are coming along." The last item was a bit of exaggeration; Bobby's right arm and leg remained stubbornly useless. "His doctors are considering moving him to a rehabilitation facility, but they haven't told him that yet."

"Good…I'm glad to hear that, Eames. He's a good man. I'm impressed by his guts," Ross said. "And by the loyalty he inspires and the people who're inspired by it…like you."

Alex flushed. "He deserves it, sir."

Ross paused. "Eames, I want you to hear me out…your devotion to your partner is wonderful…exemplary…and know that once he's recovered, Goren has a place in Major Case."

She heard the "but" in Ross' voice.

"But the department…the Squad…me…we all need you…and we need you full time."

Alex felt surprisingly calm. She couldn't argue with the Captain; she saw how much Major Case missed both her and Bobby. And Ross had been exceptionally flexible and decent about everything—he'd run interference not only with the Brass, but with PBA and the department's insurance division. She owed him, not only for her, but for Bobby. "I understand," she said quietly.

Ross was relieved. "Good…good…know that I…and everyone in Major Case…will do everything we can to get you to the hospital every day…Logan and Wheeler both volunteered to help even before I mentioned I'd be asking you back full time…"

Alex made a mental note to add this gesture to the growing list of things she needed to thank Logan for and to add Wheeler to the growing list of people she needed to thank.

"And," Ross said cautiously. "You'll need a partner…"

Alex flared. "I have a partner," she said through clenched teeth. "I don't need a new one…"

Ross leaned forward in his chair. "Eames…please…remember what I said…Goren has a place waiting for him here…and it's with you…but you need a partner…"

Alex still fumed, but she knew Ross was right. "All right," she said. "Who's the victim?"

A smile tugged at the side of the Captain's mouth. He stood and motioned towards a lanky, auburn haired man slumped over the rickety desk formerly occupied by Mike Logan. He intently studied a file on the desk, and something lurched in Alex as his posture reminded her of Bobby.

"Daniel Shannon," Ross said. "He has an exceptional record…"

"Shannon," Alex said with an edge to her voice. "As in Deputy Chief Shannon?"

"His uncle."

Alex couldn't hide the sound she made in her throat.

Ross turned to her. "And as in Sergeant Francis Shannon…killed in the line of duty and winner of a posthumous Medal of Honor…"

Alex remembered. Her father had gone to the funeral; she remembered him, still wearing his dress uniform and the black ribbon on his badge, sitting for a long time by himself in the living room. She remembered the newspaper photo of the young widow holding a tiny baby while her two sons stood by her. Daniel Shannon must be the grownup version of the younger son in that photo, the one who stood bravely at attention and clutched his father's cap in his hands.

"He has a Medal of Honor of his own," Ross said quietly. "He's got here on his own. He graduated near the top of his class at the Academy…he's taken on difficult assignments…He worked with Goren in Narcotics…Goren gave him exceptional reviews…He's a good cop…good detective…but he has a reputation for being…" Ross searched for the right word. "Eccentric…"

"Eccentric," Alex said. "I can handle eccentric." She stared at Shannon. "He's not Bobby," she finally said.

"No," Ross agreed. "But no one is Bobby Goren, except for Bobby Goren."

Alex took a deep breath. "Ok," she said. "Ok…"

"Ok," Ross said. He opened his office door and walked over to Shannon. Mike Logan passed by Alex, who stood in the door to the captain's office.

"He's a good cop…I've worked with him," Logan said.

"He's…so young," Alex said.

"Not as young as he looks," Logan said quickly.

"Well," Alex replied. "He couldn't be as young as he looks…he wouldn't have a driver's license."

Logan smiled. "Really, he's a good guy. Don't you recognize him?"

Alex studied the tall—nearly as tall as Bobby—well dressed young man walking towards her. He was vaguely familiar. As he shyly shook her hand, Alex remembered where she'd seen him.

"You've visited Bobby at the hospital."

"Yes," Shannon answered in low voice that reminded her of Bobby's in its intensity. "I…" He looked down at his shoes. "I learned…and owe…Bobby…Detective Goren…a lot."

She didn't want to, but Alex liked Danny Shannon. He wasn't Bobby; he told her as much when they stopped for lunch on their first day. "I want to be honest with you," he said, leaning across the table for emphasis. "I hate why I'm here…but I'm glad to be in Major Case…and I'm lucky to have you as a partner on even a temporary basis. I just ask for a chance."

Shannon dropped her off at the hospital that evening and volunteered to come in early to deal with some of their paperwork. "Just don't think I'll always be so accommodating," he grinned as she left the car.

"Ok," Alex thought as she rode the elevator. "I can deal…more than deal…with Danny Shannon…"

As she stepped from the elevator, Alex discovered Fin and Olivia Benson waiting for Bobby to return from a therapy session.

"They gave me a new partner," Alex said.

Fin and Benson exchanged a sympathetic look with Alex.

"Who?" Benson asked.

"Danny Shannon…"

"He's a great guy," Fin said quickly. "And a great…" Fin grinned. "Well, to call him a great cop would mean he follows the rules…and he doesn't always. But he's good…and smart…crazy smart…"

"Bobby Goren smart," Olivia said gently with a glance at Alex. "He was in SVU for a while…before Fin's time…he was brilliant…wonderful with the victims…he could get inside the perps' heads…"

Alex listened with great interest. Fin looked at Olivia in surprise.

"I didn't know that…I wondered where he went after Narcotics and before he wound up on a couple of Task Forces," Fin said. "What happened at SVU?"

Olivia shrugged sadly. "He got too far into their heads—the victims and the perps. I went in one morning and he was talking to Cragen…he was smart enough to pull himself out…" She turned to Alex. "He's not fragile or anything, Alex…SVU just wasn't the place for him…but I bet he'll be great at Major Case…and he'll be a great partner for you until Bobby gets back."

Alex gave a small smile. "It's good to hear so many good things about this guy from people I actually trust."

And Shannon received one more testimonial that night, from Alex's most trusted source.

"How's work going?" Bobby asked. His speech was much better, but he carefully enunciated each word.

"Good…I miss you, of course." Alex hesitated; she was uncertain of how he might react to the news someone had replaced him even temporarily. "I have a temporary partner."

Bobby's left hand fiddled with the covers as he digested this information. "Who?" he finally asked.

"Danny Shannon…he worked with you in Narcotics."

Bobby's head shot up; his expression was genuinely happy. "Alex…he's a good guy…and good at the job…I'm glad it's him."

"That seems to be the consensus," Alex said. "And it's only until you get back, you know."

A shadow briefly appeared in Bobby's eyes. "Yea," he said softly. "Don't give him too much trouble, Alex…like I said…he's a good guy…He…he's been through a lot…he's a lot older than he looks or his driver's license says…" Bobby smiled. "And he'll be a lot easier to deal with than me."

Alex discovered the positive assessments of Danny Shannon to be correct through the next weeks. The only serious complaint she could make about him was that, while he possessed a few characteristics that reminded her of Bobby, he was not Bobby Goren. For his part, Shannon liked and admired Bobby—Alex sensed there was a strong history between the two men—and if Bobby Goren liked and respected Alex Eames, Danny Shannon would like and admire her too. Shannon made sure Alex made it to the hospital every day; he covered for her when she had to deal with doctors or insurance companies; he frequently visited Bobby. If she had to have a temporary partner, Alex was glad it was Danny Shannon.

Her comfortable relationship with Shannon allowed her to focus her energies away from work on Bobby. The sudden stop to progress in his rehabilitation frustrated both Bobby and Alex. Dr. Lynne patiently explained that periods of inertia were common in the recovery from a stroke. "There are hills and valleys and plateaus," she said. "At least we're not in a valley." Dr. Lynne and Bobby's therapists were tremendously pleased with his progress, but Alex sensed they failed to realize that the only true victory would come the day Bobby returned to the Major Case Squad. Once the euphoria of the first days of his recovery ended, Bobby had to deal with the daily realities of rehabilitation and his physical limitations. He was extraordinarily patient, cheerful, and determined, and the staff in the stroke unit loved him. Only Deakins and Alex seemed aware of the undercurrent of tension and fear beneath Bobby's apparent calm, but neither could get beyond his defenses and quiet statements of "I just have to work it out."

Alex shared her fears with Dr. Lynne, who carefully noted them.

"But part of the rehabilitation is regular counseling sessions," she told Alex. "And Mr. Goren has been attending them regularly…the therapists tell me he's very cheerful and helpful…"

"But that may be part of the problem," Alex said. "This isn't your usual patient…"

Dr. Lynne smiled ruefully at Alex's comment.

"Bobby probably knows more about psychology than some psychologists," Alex said. "And I think he's had the habit all his life of ignoring his problems while helping others…I know he's done it while he's worked with me…"

"I'll let the therapists know," Dr. Lynne assured her.

The doctor's words failed to ease Alex's worries. The level of her invasion of Bobby's life troubled Alex. She awkwardly apologized for it when she visited Bobby, who brushed aside her concerns. "I don't know what I'd do without you," he told her, but she saw how he inwardly winced when she brought him some document or piece of news that showed him she had learned some new, private, frequently painful detail about his life. One of his few battles with the staff was over contact with his mother; Bobby fought to call her every day—the staff, troubled by the depressed state he fell into after them, attempted to discourage him from making such frequent contact. He reluctantly agreed to allow Alex and Deakins to visit his mother; both found the task discouraging and depressing.

"I don't know how he's managed all these years," Deakins told Alex over a cup of coffee one Monday. They had agreed to share weekend visits to Carmel Ridge, and the past Saturday had been his turn. "It's not that she's dangerous or anything like that…but to see a mind shattered like that…"

"From what little he's told me," Alex said. "I think she's not always been that bad…and it is a good facility, thank God…but I'm sure Bobby found the best place he could…"

"There are moments…when you can see she must have had a brilliant mind," Deakins said. "And when you can see she's still a good and compassionate person…" He stared into his coffee. "I think I understand and admire Bobby a lot more now…He's always been so private…this must be terribly painful for him."

Bobby's concern for his mother had led him to set up her financial affairs carefully. Alex had little more to do than bring him the occasional document to sign, but each of these encounters caused a flicker of pain in his eyes. His own financial health was reasonably stable; he owned his apartment, he had no major debts. Alex, assisted by her father, fought several skirmishes with the insurance companies and won them, partly, she thought, because the representatives recognized they were dealing with experienced and tenacious soldiers.

The thought that Bobby wouldn't completely recover never entered Alex's mind. He would; any other possibility was incomprehensible. But the thought floated just below the surface of Bobby's mind, forced down by his concentration on his therapy until late at night when it leaped from the depths of his mind. One evening the monster nearly flung itself out of the ocean. Bobby's physical therapy that day had been particularly exhausting and painful. Dr. Lynne had gently approached the idea of moving Bobby from the hospital to another facility or returning to his apartment; both prospects unreasonably (it seemed to him) terrified him. A case forced Alex to miss her evening visit for the first time since the stroke hit. He was awake most of the night, struggling to move his right arm and leg, hoping to will them into some movement. He finally fell into an exhausted half sleep in the early morning.

The conversation of one of the program's residents and a nurse roused his fogged mind. He thought they were discussing his case, including just what facilities he might be moved to.

Alex enjoyed a particularly quiet morning. Shannon detested paperwork as much as Alex and Bobby, but he was less demonstrative about expressing his dislike. They had started a genial debate about who would run to get some decent coffee when Alex's phone rang.

"Ms. Eames." Dr. Lynne's voice was strained and tense. "We need you…Mr. Goren needs you…"

End Chapter Six


	7. Chapter 7

Thanks for the many reviews and for the many who've added this and me to their favorite lists.

Chapter Seven

Alex rushed into the stroke unit; the receptionist waved her back to Bobby's room. Doctors, nurses, and orderlies clustered at the door. Alex heard Bobby's angry, frightened, and slurred voice.

"Oh, no," she thought. "He's had another stroke…"

Dr. Lynne emerged from the group to meet Alex.

"What's happened?" Alex asked.

"We're not sure," Dr. Lynne said. Her puzzlement and fear were evident but she was controlled. "Two staff members arrived this morning to exam Mr. Goren…and he exploded…I didn't want to fight him to sedate him unless we have to…I thought you might be able to help."

"It…it isn't another stroke?" Alex managed to choke out the words.

"We won't know until we can examine him."

The doctors and nurses allowed Alex and Dr. Lynne to pass. The room was a mess. An IV pole leaned against one wall. Plastic cups, a water pitcher, a box of tissues, and books were scattered on the floor. The sheets and blankets were yanked from the bed and strewn over and around it. One pillow rested near the door, the other across the room. Alex registered these details from the corner of her eye. Her attention centered on Bobby. Curled in a ball, he was wedged in a corner of the room between the bed and the wall. He leaned against the wall on his right side, and his left hand was raised as a small shield. His hair spiked in every direction; his eyes were wild and angry and filled with terror.

"No!" he shouted. "I won't go there…No!" His voice was hoarse and the words slurred.

"What…what should I do?" Alex whispered to Dr. Lynne.

Bobby's head shot up when he heard Alex's voice.

"Alex," he pleaded. "Please help me…please…don't let them take me away…please…don't let them take me there…"

One of the doctors standing just behind Alex and Dr. Lynne spoke quietly. "We were discussing some of the options for his rehabilitation after he left the hospital…we'd each worked at a couple of them…we didn't know he was awake…but I can't imagine what we said that might have upset him…" The young man was clearly puzzled and troubled.

Alex glanced at Dr. Lynne, who gently touched Alex's shoulder. Alex stepped tentatively into the room. "God," Alex thought. "Me again…Sorry to be so much trouble lately…no deals, I know…but please…help me to do and say the right thing here…"

"Alex…don't," Bobby begged her. "Don't…join with them…please…don't let them send me there…"

Alex moved toward Bobby. "Could you," she said to the doctors. "Give us some time alone?"

"Of course," Dr. Lynne said. "We'll be right here if you need us."

Alex heard the door click shut behind her. Bobby slightly relaxed. She knelt beside him and gently placed a hand on his left shoulder.

"So," she said, astonished at how calm she sounded. "What's going on?"

Her calm nearly shattered when she saw the pain and fear in his eyes.

"Carmel Ridge," he whispered. "They want to put me there."

Alex, baffled, stared at Bobby for a moment. "Maybe it's the stroke…or another one," she thought. "Or maybe he just misunderstood something…"

Bobby returned Alex's stare. "You…you…believe it too…that I'm crazy…you want to put me away…" Bobby looked at his right arm and leg. "Maybe…I…I am crazy…" His stress and fear made it increasingly difficult for him to talk. "Look at me…I'm …useless…useless…"

"No, Bobby." Alex reached for his left hand. "I don't believe that you're insane…or that you're useless…" She squeezed in the small space to sit next to him. "You always tell me to follow the facts…I don't think we're doing that here…What I know is that you've been doing so well that the doctors are considering moving you to a facility where your rehabilitation can take place."

She could feel the fear and tension easing from him.

"But no one has even mentioned Carmel Ridge…or questioned your sanity…Dr. Lynne has told me time after time that your thinking is fine…Where did this Carmel Ridge idea come from?"

He gripped her hand tightly as if it were his one connection to reality.

"I'm not one of "them"," Alex said.

Bobby found his voice. "This morning…the doctor…the nurse…I heard…they said Carmel Ridge…"

Alex frowned, and a comment of Bobby's from the past came to her. "Didn't you tell me once?" she said. "That there were several different medical facilities near the one where your Mom is…and a couple of them have "Carmel Ridge" in the title? Maybe one of those is a rehabilitation unit?"

Bobby stared at her. "Oh," he said as the clouds of fear left his mind. "Of course…there's one that deals…with brain injuries…including stroke…" He shivered. "Oh, God, Alex…I didn't…couldn't think…what…I…"

She hugged him. "Bobby," she said firmly but gently. "I think the only problem here is you let your thoughts run away.

He shivered again. "I…I…I'm sorry…Alex…sometimes…it's so hard…"

She realized with a shock that in all of the days since his stroke, Bobby hadn't shown any signs of despair or pain.

"You can let go, Bobby," she said softly. "If anyone has the right, it's you…"

"No…no…" Bobby shook his head. "I…have to be brave…can't…can't let anyone down…"

She touched his face. "Bobby…you don't have to be brave…you won't let anyone down…"

"It's hard…so hard…" She could barely hear his voice. "It hurts…hurts…I…I'm so scared…God…I can't…can't…" The tears flooded from his eyes and sobs shook his body. His head fell into Alex's lap, and the sobs began to shake both of their bodies. She clung to him and rubbed his back.

"It's ok, Bobby," she whispered over and over. "Let it go…let go…" In her mind, Alex kicked herself. "I should have known…realized," she thought. "He's not some super hero…he's hurt and terrified and ill…he's my best friend and I didn't even notice…I saw him every day and I didn't see it…"

Alex thought she heard the room's door open. She looked up to see Dr. Lynne approaching them. Bobby's sobs were starting to ease, not because he was gaining control of his emotions, but from sheer exhaustion.

"He thought," Alex said to Dr. Lynne. "He thought he was going to be sent to the same hospital as his mother."

Dr. Lynne winced and leaned over Bobby. "Mr. Goren…I'm so sorry…Dr. Graf and Ms. Tyler used to work at the rehabilitation facility in Carmel Ridge…They were just talking about their work there…"

Still shaking, Bobby looked up at her. "I…I'm sorry…so sorry…I thought…"

Dr. Lynne gently placed a hand on his shoulder. "You have nothing to apologize for…except, perhaps, for being too hard on yourself…"

"I…so tired…please…" Bobby gasped.

"I think," Dr. Lynne said. "We'll examine you…make sure you're ok…and then give you the day off…let's get you back in bed…"

The staff carefully helped Bobby back in his bed. Alex found it hard to tell who felt worse and apologized more, Bobby or the doctors and nurses. Dr. Lynne worked from Bobby's left as she checked his vital signs.

"Every thing looks and sounds good," Dr. Lynne said. "I've left orders you're not to be disturbed today except for meals and the usual checks…Please…let us know if you need or want anything…"

Bobby wearily nodded.

Alex stood by Bobby's right side. Her hand unconsciously sought his right hand and held it. As Dr. Lynne walked away, Alex suddenly felt pressure on her hand.

"Bobby," Alex said in wonder and hope.

He looked at her with dark, puzzled and exhausted eyes. Dr. Lynne looked over her shoulder.

Alex felt the pressure again and stared down at their hands. It wasn't her imagination.

"Bobby…you're moving your right hand…you're holding my hand with your right hand…"

End Chapter Seven


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

Bobby lifted his right leg and set it on the floor. Sweat shone on his face, and he paused to catch his breath.

"Very good, Bobby…excellent!" Lara Martez, one of his physical therapists, stood at the side of the parallel bars that Bobby laboriously moved between.

Bobby, shaking from his effort, smiled at Lara. "You know," he said between breaths. "When you're not torturing me, you make a good cheerleader." He managed the last steps to the end of the bars.

Lara grinned as she helped him into a wheelchair. "You're not getting any extra points from me, Bobby. I've never liked cheerleaders."

Bobby smiled again at her, and Lara felt her insides briefly turn to goo. She liked Bobby Goren, liked that he was smart and tough and hardworking.

"That was a good session, Bobby," Lara said as she wheeled him back to his room. "Once you get a brace fitted to your leg, you should be able to start walking with a cane."

"Good…good…I'd like to start getting up and around…the books I've read say it's important not to let the muscles get weak."

Lara laughed. "You scare me sometimes…I think you may have learned more about your condition and treatment than I have."

Bobby turned his head to smile at her. "Oh, I don't think so…you're very good at your work."

"You've found my weak spot," Lara said. "I'm proud of my work. You're flirting with me…"

"No, it's the truth," Bobby protested. "Ok," he said when she gave him a mildly disapproving look. "Maybe a little flirting."

Lara grinned at him. Bobby Goren had established himself as a favorite with the female staff and much of the male within a few days of arriving at the Manhattan Rehabilitation Center. Some were slightly troubled by his mild flirting until they realized that the tough blonde woman who visited him every day and acted on his behalf was a friend and not a girlfriend or wife.

As Lara and Bobby arrived at his door, Bobby's roommate Greg Phillips emerged from the room. The Center attempted to match patients, so Bobby, with his limited mobility but unimpaired cognitive skills, bunked with Greg, whose car accident left him with limited speech but unimpaired motor skills. The results had been better than the staff hoped. Bobby patiently helped Greg with the exercises to rebuild his speech, while Greg delighted in assisting Bobby with his exercises and in wheeling him around the center. In the past week Greg and Bobby teamed up to win a highly competitive and extremely unofficial wheelchair race.

"Hey, Greg," Bobby said cheerfully. "You going to therapy?"

Greg smiled at him. Lara thought Greg was smiling much more now that he roomed with Bobby. "Yes." He spoke slowly and deliberately. "Today…I…show…Aggie…I know…the alphabet…"

"All right, man…you show her, and I'll get Alex to smuggle us some beer," Bobby grinned.

Greg threw Lara a cautious look.

"Don't worry, guys…as long as you don't turn the place into ANIMAL HOUSE, I won't tell," Lara said.

"Thanks," Greg said and gave them a thumbs up.

"You've been good for him, Bobby," Lara said. "Greg was having a tough time until you came."

"He's been good for me," Bobby replied as he carefully eased out of the wheelchair. "His attitude is always good…he's always cheerful…" Bobby smiled. "And he lets me read to him."

"Hey, Alex is due soon, right?"

His smile became wider. The center's staff learned quickly that the mention of Alex Eames could bring genuine happiness to Bobby Goren. The staff liked Alex; they liked the way she quietly, politely, but forcefully pushed Bobby and watched out for him.

"Yea," Bobby said. "I need to get cleaned up…I can do this myself, Lara," he said as Lara moved to call for a male staff member to help Bobby with his shower. "It has rails and a chair…I can do it…"

"I know," Lara said. "And I know you want to…but we have rules…and Alex will have our hides if anything happens to you…"

Bobby's eyes flared for a moment, but a rueful expression quickly crossed his face. "Well, I can't let Alex take any one's hide…I'm sorry, Lara…This is a good place…It's helped me a lot…but I really want to get out of here and back to work…" He bent to slip off his shoes and didn't see the frown that crossed Lara's face.

He'd just finished dressing after the shower when Alex arrived.

"Sorry I'm late," Alex said. "This place is a little harder to get to than the hospital…but it does have a better view." She looked out the window to the East River.

"Greg says that I'm lucky to be with him…That he's the one who got the room with the view. I'm just riding with him." Bobby smiled at her; seeing Alex was one of the great pleasures of his day. During his recovery he'd come to realize that seeing and being with Alex were some of the greatest pleasures—sometimes the only—of his life. His move to the center and the pressures of the job meant Alex occasionally had to skip a day. Her absences caused him to appreciate her presence even more.

"I walked down the bars and back again ten times today," Bobby said, laying the accomplishment like a trophy at Alex's feet.

"Great!" She smiled at him. "And the arm?"

"It's about eighty percent…and the pain is a lot less in my arm and leg…They're lowering all my meds, including the anticoagulant…It'll cut down on those nosebleeds and bruises…And…" Bobby's voice took on a conspiratorial tone. "Logan and Shannon have been by with a few files and questions…"

"Bobby!" Alex glared at him. "You're not supposed to be putting yourself under stress…when I see Logan and Shannon…"

Bobby, surprised at her reaction, pleaded with her. "Alex…please…it wasn't that hard…I know what the doctors say, but…the work…It's good for me…Don't give them any grief…They did it because and for me…" His triumphant, happy mood had become frightened and apologetic.

"Ok," Alex said. "You may be right…Work is probably good for you…Were you able to help them?"

Bobby was enormously grateful to her. "Yea…I think I was…I don't think they were snowing me…Logan might try, but I think I could tell with him…and Shannon…I think he knows how much it would mess me up if he tried…" He looked at Alex. "It felt good…really good…to use my brain that way again…"

"Bobby." Alex touched his hand. "That's very good to hear."

By the time Alex could confront Logan and Shannon she was too happy about Bobby's pleasure and progress to be really angry with either man. She pinned both detectives near the coffee machine; Logan made a feeble attempt at an evasion, but Shannon confessed immediately.

"I'm not apologizing for it, either, Eames." He took a long drink of coffee. "I was stuck…we both were…and we needed an answer fast if the ADA would consider a warrant…and I thought Goren might see something we missed…he did…and we had a case…and I think it was good for him."

"Yea." Logan joined the confessional. "Wheeler and I were also in a tough spot…and Goren seemed a good bet…" Guilt flashed in Logan's eyes. "We…I…I didn't get him in trouble…or cause him too much stress?"

Alex grinned. "It's ok guys…No harm, no foul…I think it actually did him a lot of good…He's worried about being useless…"

"Well, there's definitely nothing wrong with his brain," Shannon said, and Logan nodded in agreement.

Dr. Lynne wasn't quite as thrilled when she learned of Bobby's consulting work, although she did admit it left him in one of his best moods since the stroke. "You shouldn't overdo it," she gently scolded him.

Bobby plucked at the blankets. He liked Dr. Lynne and was enormously grateful for her care and attitude. He believed she was responsible for his recover, his sanity, his life. But he also believed she failed to understand how important his work was to his life.

"I understand," Bobby said. "But I didn't overdo it…It helped me…It helped me a lot…To know that my mind still worked…that I could still put the pieces together…"

Dr. Lynne frowned.

"What is it?" Bobby asked. For several moments Bobby wondered if he really wanted an answer to the questions that had tormented him for several weeks. "Dr. Lynne," he finally said. "Every time I talk about going back to work…Everyone…The staff…Everyone gets very quiet…They change the subject…I need to know…What are the chances of my returning to work?

His words hung in the air. Dr. Lynne stared at the papers in her hands. She sighed and leaned forward in her chair.

"All right. First, remember how far you've come…" Bobby's heart fell in his chest at her words. "And in a very short period of time. Your recovery has been remarkable…And you deserve a great deal of credit for that…You've worked extraordinarily hard…It's clear that your mind, your thought processes, are still exceptional…I have no fears about that."

Bobby's mind reeled. He knew that Dr. Lynne was about to tell him he couldn't return to Major Case. All of his work, everything everyone had done—Deakins, Ross, Logan, the people he didn't even know, his friends, and Alex, especially Alex—had been for nothing.

"But physically," Dr. Lynne continued. "We need to see the situation honestly and clearly…There could be other developments…"

"But," Bobby said softly. "You don't expect those developments." His mind had slightly recovered.

Dr. Lynne looked steadily at him. "It's highly unlikely. Every case is different, but I have to say…More progress is …It's not going to happen."

Bobby turned to stare at the wall.

"Mr. Goren…Please…You will be able to walk with the aid of a cane and a brace…You have your mind…You can speak…Those are considerable gifts." Her voice had taken on a desperate tone. "In order to maintain what you've accomplished, you have to keep working."

Bobby turned his face back to her. Dr. Lynne was used to delivering bad news, but she found it difficult to meet his dark, pained eyes.

"You…You don't understand…This job…What it means…The work…It completes…fulfills me…it's not just a job…it's what gives me a reason…"

His voice choked.

"Perhaps," Dr. Lynne suggested. "There's related work you could do…teaching…consulting…It's clear that your colleagues respect and admire you…"

In his despair, Bobby tried to consider Dr. Lynne's words. Throughout his career, there had been occasional feelers from the FBI, from other departments, from government agencies he didn't know existed. Within the NYPD, different divisions had approached him—he'd even lectured at the Academy and spent some time with the counterterrorism squad. He could go back to school; he could write.

"There are," he said, trying to convince himself, "some possibilities."

"We can and will help you with exploring those," Dr. Lynne said gently. She believed Bobby's reaction to her news was the best she could hope for. She rose from her chair. "If there's anything you need, Mr. Goren…please…you can call me…Do you think you'll be all right tonight? Would you like me to call Ms. Eames?"

"Uh, no…no thank you." He plucked again at the covers. "I…I think…I need a little time to…to handle all this."

"All right." Dr. Lynne turned to leave. She was at the door when Bobby's voice stopped her.

"Dr. Lynne?"

She turned to face him.

"You really don't believe…Short of a miracle…That I'll be able to return to Major Case?"

"There's always the possibility of a miracle…I've seen a few," she admitted. "But I don't rely on them. I believe…know…that you'll be able to live independently…that you'll be able to walk with some aid…that you'll be able to make a contribution to society…If you want to." She met Bobby's eyes. "You've seen the other patients here, Mr. Goren…I'd never question the pain of your case, but you know that some patients would love to have your problems. I believe that you can find work in your field. But I can not realistically give you any hope of returning to Major Case."

Silence again blanketed the room.

"I…" Bobby struggled for a moment. "Thank you for your honesty, Doctor. I promise you…I'll keep working…but…" His eyes focused on his blanket. "I'd like to tell people…especially Ms. Eames."

"Of course…and would you like to speak with the counselors?" Dr. Lynne was still uncertain if Bobby's relatively calm reaction was a good or bad one.

"I think that would be a very good idea," Bobby said. "Don't worry, Doctor…I've read the literature…I'm going to be depressed…Hell, I AM depressed…but I'll deal with it…I'll work on it…I have to…just like the physical therapy."

Somewhat reassured, Dr. Lynne nodded. "Again…if you need anything or anyone…just ask."

"I will."

After the doctor left, Bobby lay in the dark. After a few moments, tears began to streak his cheeks. "No…" he murmured. "I will not cry…I will not…" He grabbed a pillow and muffled his sobs.

END Chapter Eight


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine

As James Deakins drove into the parking garage near the Manhattan Rehabilitation Center he saw his replacement at the Major Case Squad drive out. They exchanged quick, slightly surprised nods, and Deakins thought he saw everything he feared about his forthcoming meeting with Bobby Goren reflected in Ross' eyes.

Deakins parked his car, turned off the engine, and sat for a few minutes. He sighed and left his car. Before Bobby's stroke, Deakins avoided hospitals and other medical facilities as much as an ambitious police officer could. He loathed them; he associated them with his mother's long decline and terrible vigils for cops. The trips to Carmel Ridge exhausted and terrified him. Angie was, as always, supportive of what he did even if she didn't understand why he was doing it. She didn't complain about his visits to Carmel Ridge—Deakins thought that in the early days of his forced retirement she might have welcomed his brief absences from the house—but she gently questioned why he felt the need to make the trips.

"I don't know," he told her. "I feel responsible in some way for Goren. I know," he said in response to the look she gave him. "I've always felt responsible for all of the cops I commanded…but Goren…I've always felt I owed him…first, for doubting him and giving him a hard time when I first knew him…and then for…" Deakins paused. "I've always thought Goren and Eames saved my soul…and us."

Angie wrapped her arms around him. "Well, if you think he saved us, I can't and won't complain about you helping him."

Deakins entered the Center and nodded at the receptionist. She recognized him and smiled warmly.

"Mr. Goren is waiting for you in the second conference room, Mr. Deakins."

"Thank you," Deakins said and turned to go to the room.

"We'll miss Mr. Goren and his visitors when he's released," the young woman added.

Deakins turned to her. "He's going to be released?"

The receptionist nodded. "His doctors and therapists are working on it…He'll come back here for regular sessions…He's one of our success stories, and Dr. Lynne hopes he'll consider returning to speak to some of the patients and their families…I hope he'll come back for the sake of some of the other patients…He always seems to know how to talk to them…to make them feel better…"

"He's had some experience in dealing with that sort of thing," Deakins replied.

"Well, we hope to see him for more than just his therapy sessions. His doctors are worried about the fact that he's alone…"

"He won't be alone," Deakins vowed. "His friends will see to that."

Deakins, with a growing sense of unease, entered the conference room. It was a warm and comfortable room, lit at the moment only by the sun streaming in from a large window facing the East River. The light brown chairs surrounding the matching table were deeply padded, and boxes of tissues dotted the table. Deakins recalled Bobby pointing it out to him as "the Bad News Room" where the staff delivered reports—frequently negative ones—to patients and their families. Deakins sensed the room was on the point of living up to its name.

Bobby, reading a newspaper (Deakins remembered his quiet joy at being allowed to return to that activity), sat at the table. He became aware of Deakins' presence and rose slowly and carefully to his feet. He was dressed in one of his best dark blue suits, a pale blue shirt, and a dark blue tie (Deakins remembered the morning Bobby proudly showed off his ability to tie his tie by himself). He might have been dressed for work, but the fact the shirt and jacket hung loosely on his frame reflected some of the ordeal Bobby had been through in the past months.

Deakins accepted the coffee Bobby offered, if only to have something to divert his attention. Bobby carefully poured the black liquid into two cups and handed one to Deakins, who knew that this simple, everyday task took many hours of therapy for Bobby to accomplish. For a few moments, the acts of adding sugar and cream to their coffee occupied the two men.

"You've achieved a lot, Bobby," Deakins finally said.

Bobby stared into his coffee. He'd practiced what he was going to say; he'd spoken first to Ross because he believed the new MCS Captain would be the easiest person to tell of his decision. That meeting had gone surprisingly well, but now, with Deakins standing across from him, things were much more difficult.

"I…I couldn't have done it without everyone else," Bobby said. "I can't keep doing it without everyone." He stared out the window at the sun glistening off the river. "Especially you, sir…you didn't have to…" Bobby swallowed. "I wonder why it's so hard to thank people…"

Deakins also stared at the river. "And I wonder why it's so hard to say "You're welcome.""

Bobby wavered slightly on his feet, and Deakins reached to gently grip his elbow. "You didn't have to stand up, you know."

Bobby eased into his chair. "Oh, yes, I did."

Struggling with his feelings, Deakins sat next to Bobby. "I saw Ross driving out of here as I came in."

Bobby leaned forward to rest an elbow on the table and his head in a hand. The gesture was familiar, and Deakins wondered when and if he might see it again.

"The doctors…the therapists…" Bobby said slowly. "They don't think I can return to active duty…"

His words hung in the air. Deakins gently laid a hand on Bobby's shoulder; he felt the younger man's body tremble.

"I'm sorry to hear that, Bobby…You're a good cop…A good man…"

"It's…it's physical." Deakins heard the effort in Bobby's voice. "Dr. Lynne says my mind is as good as ever…Although, that may not be reassuring…"

"Do you have any plans?" Deakins asked.

"I still have a lot of rehab…probably will for a long time…There's my stuff and my Mom's to deal with…I'm considering consulting…teaching…work for another agency…maybe go back to school…get a PhD…I've certainly got enough real life material for a thesis…" Bobby shifted in his chair. "Ross thinks the Department might actually want to keep me…"

"Do you want that, Bobby?"

Bobby tilted his head to look at Deakins.

"I…I don't know…There's what they…or at least some of them…did to you…have done to others…keep doing. Lord knows I've had differences with the Department…But I'd have problems with any authority…" Bobby said ruefully. "But there's the devotion a lot of good people have to the Department…and the good people in it…like you…and Alex…and her whole family. There's everything that's happened since the stroke…all the cops who came…people I didn't know…all the help…" Bobby bit his lip. "It's…it's like…I never had a real family…I guess the NYPD is the closest I'll come…but…I can't imagine…anyone in the Department would really want…"

"A lot of people in the NYPD want you." Deakins' grip on Bobby's arm tightened. "I still have friends in the Department, Bobby. Just tell me, and I'll put in a word for you." Deakins' voice took on a fatherly tone. "Or if you want…I'm working with one of my old partners in a consulting firm…I'm finding the work challenging and interesting…He'd be thrilled to have you."

Deeply moved, Bobby struggled, not entirely successfully, to hide his feelings. "You're a private eye?"

Deakins smiled. "Yea…and I look good in the fedora and the trench coat."

Bobby returned the smile.

"Have you talked with Alex?" Deakins asked.

Bobby frowned. "No…not yet. I'm a little scared…She's going to be angry…"

"Yea," Deakins agreed.

"And…" Bobby rubbed the back of his neck. "I…I feel like…" He glanced at Deakins, who could barely stand to look in Bobby's pain filled eyes. "Like I'm letting everyone…especially Alex…down…"

"You're not letting anyone down, Bobby. Look," Deakins said, clutching at straws. "When I resigned…I know a lot of people…Alex…thought I was giving up without a fight…"

Bobby's head shot up. "I never thought that…never…I knew you did what you did to protect the Department…it was one of the bravest and greatest things I've ever seen."

Deakins was silent for a moment. "That's why," he said in a husky voice. "You didn't try to convince me not to resign…you understood…you knew…"

"Yes, sir…at least, I thought I did."

Deakins took a deep breath. "Bobby, have you and your doctors done everything you and they could?"

Bobby's attention returned to his hands. "I…I think so…this place…and the hospital…two of the best…the staffs are some of the best…every day I've tried…I really have…and I keep trying…it's just…just…" He looked with despair at Deakins. "My body…it can't…" Bobby shook his head. "It just can't."

Deakins placed both of his hands on Bobby's shoulders and turned him. "Then you have nothing to be ashamed of…nothing. What you've done is remarkable…I am proud to know you…I hope that you consider me a friend…It would be an honor."

Bobby shook with the effort of containing his emotions. "I…I…of course…" He swallowed. "You know, sir, you're not making this any easier…"

"Listen," Deakins said, also struggling. "If we're friends, I think you can drop the "Sir" business and start calling me Jimmy."

Bobby smiled weakly. "I'll try…but it's hard to break a habit." He stared out at the river. "I just wish I could find some way to tell Alex."

"Well," Bobby thought as he watched Deakins walk out of the Center's front doors. "Lord knows that wasn't easy, but it wasn't bad as I expected…He's a good man…I'm glad he's a friend." Bobby leaned heavily on his cane as he walked back to the conference room. Alex was due very soon. Dr. Lynne suggested that he might not want to speak to Ross, Deakins and Alex on the same day, and Bobby admitted that he felt emotional and physical exhaustion seeping into his mind and body. But Ross and Deakins' promises of support and the knowledge that there were places that might want and need him encouraged Bobby. Alex would know, of course, that something was going on. The fact he was wearing the suit he'd asked her to bring from his apartment a few days earlier would tell her something.

"But she'll think I'm going to tell her I'm coming back…She'll be angry and disappointed…" Bobby thought. "Please, let her understand…please, don't let her leave me…"

He heard the conference room door open, and turned to see Alex. She was beautiful, a smile lighting up her face and the room. His heart flipped in his chest, and Bobby stood shakily.

"Wow," she said admiringly. "You look terrific…You need to put on some weight…but you look terrific."

She stepped up to him and wrapped her arms around him. Bobby breathed her in.

"Oh, God," he thought. "I'm going to hurt her so much."

"So, what's the suit for?" Alex asked. "What's the occasion?"

Bobby sat carefully. "You want some coffee?"

"You know I'm always ready for coffee." She sat next to him and beamed at him. Alex had heard the rumors that Bobby had a meeting with Ross this morning; she knew that his doctors planned to send him home soon. She expected Bobby was about to reveal his plans for returning to the Major Case Squad.

She took a sip of coffee. "You'll miss this good stuff when you get back to Major Case," Alex said.

Bobby winced and rubbed the back of his neck.

Unease rose in Alex's stomach. "Ok, Goren, what's going on?"

Bobby placed his palms flat on the table. "Ok," he said. He took a deep breath. "Alex…The doctors tell me…I'm not…I can't…go back to Major Case."

End Chapter Nine


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

Alex jerked back from Bobby. Her hand rose involuntarily to her mouth.

"Please, Alex…" Bobby began.

"You're giving up…just giving up…" Alex said in shock. She pushed her chair away from the table and stood.

"Alex…please…let me explain…" Bobby's voice betrayed his panic.

Streaked by the early afternoon sunshine, Alex paced in front of the large window. "No…no…no…" she murmured. "You can't…You have to work…Get back to Major Case…You're my partner…You have to get back…After all we've done…I've done…You have to…"

Her words stabbed Bobby. "The doctors…Alex…please…"

She ceased pacing and, eyes blazing, she stared at him. "What do the doctors know? You just want to give up! That's it…Get away from all your responsibilities…Let someone else take care of you…Poor Bobby Goren…Sick and hurt…"

Rage and confusion swelled in Bobby. "Don't," he growled. "You know that's not true…"

"I've fought all of these battles for you…Taken care of things…Pushed the doctors…you…and now you're giving up."

"Alex…"

"I've visited your mother…" All of her fears and frustrations boiled over in Alex. "Dammit! I've taken care of things while poor, pathetic Bobby…"

He exploded from his chair, but his right leg failed him, sending Bobby sprawling on the floor. He cried out in pain, anger, and fear.

"Bobby!" Alex cried and reached for him.

"Get away!" He shook and waved his arms wildly. "Just get away!" His left hand found the despised cane and struck out with it. "You…I can take care of myself…Get away!"

Guild flooded Alex. She tried to calm him. "I'm sorry, Bobby…Please…Let me help you…"

"No! Just…" Bobby struggled to get to his feet, but his right leg lacked the strength and flexibility to aid him. "Oh…Damn!" he yelled and fell again. Panting, he lay helpless on the floor.

Alex cautiously approached him. She knelt next to him and carefully placed a hand on his shoulder. He shivered, but didn't move away from her.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I was shocked and angry. I want to help you."

Bobby turned to her. His rage had disappeared. "I'm sorry, too," he said. "I…I…It's pretty obvious that I still need a lot of help…especially from you…"

"Are you hurt?"

He smiled wanly. "Just my pride."

"Do we need to get someone?" Alex tried not to hover over him.

"I don't think so," Bobby answered. "I think I can manage with your help…Now that I've calmed down."

She helped him into a chair. "You messed up your suit," Alex said as she straightened his tie.

"Uh…yea…" Bobby glanced at her. "I…I'm sorry, Alex…You probably thought I was going to tell you I was coming back…"

She sat next to him and held one of his hands between hers. "Yea…I did…I should have been more realistic…I know about strokes and how hard it is to recover from one."

"Your Mom?" he asked gently.

"Yea." She glanced at him. "My Mom…When she first had hers…Sometimes it was really hard to get her to do her therapy…and she got better…In spite of how bad her stroke was. And you worked so hard from the start…It just seemed to me that you'd make it all the way back. And…"

Both of Bobby's hands joined hers. Alex looked at him again; tears glistened in her eyes.

"With my Mom…I always felt like…like I let the rest of my family…that I didn't do my part…"

"And my stroke…It got all mixed up with that," Bobby said.

Alex bristled. "Don't analyze me, Bobby."

"I'm not," he said softly. "It's common sense."

Alex relaxed. "Yea," she said. "It is."

"And," he continued. "I was there when you Mom got sick…Your family shared the time…the effort."

"That's right," Alex said. A fog seemed to be lifting from her mind. "You WERE there…a lot more than was required…One of my brothers told me when he visited you in the hospital…We owed you…And he was right."

Embarrassed, Bobby looked away. "You…You're my partner…"

"It went beyond partnership."

"Ok…friends…it's what friends do for each other…" There was an edge to Bobby's voice.

"Friends," Alex agreed. "Very good friends."

Bobby nodded quickly. He felt strangely confused and afraid about this conversation.

"Now," Alex said as she grabbed some tissues and wiped her eyes. "Are you sure you're all right?"

"Yes…Maybe a few additions to the bruise collection," Bobby replied.

"Ok…tell me about why you can't come back." Her voice had a touch of anger, but also resignation.

Bobby took a deep breath. "There could always be a miracle…but Dr. Lynne…It's not that she doesn't believe in them…She's seen some…but she doesn't depend on them…"

"A wise view of life," Alex said.

"She thinks…" Bobby swallowed. "You know, I've already told Ross and Deakins…I think I was trying to warm up for you…It doesn't get any easier…Dr. Lynne said…I'm not going to get any better…And to stay at this level…I'm going to have to keep up with the therapy…but…" He waved a hand around his body and pointed at the cane. "This is it…As good as it's going to get." He put his arms on the table and rested his head in his hands. "This is as good as it's going…" Bobby choked, and he trembled.

"Bobby," Alex said tenderly. She moved to hug him, but Bobby jerked away.

"I…I'm sorry…I tried…I'm sorry…I let you down…I'm sorry…" He shook violently.

Alex slipped from her chair to kneel before Bobby. "You didn't let me or anyone down…What you've done is remarkable…I just expected too much."

She reached for him again. He tried to pull away, but Bobby was too physically and mentally exhausted to fight. Alex pulled him to her.

"Oh, Bobby…I'm sorry…so sorry…I didn't mean to," Alex said as she rubbed his back.

"I…I didn't mean to…Oh, God…Alex…You've done so much for me…Just the thought of hurting and disappointing you…" He swallowed. "No," he thought. "I can't tell her that…She'd run away…I'd never see her again…"

"Bobby." Alex took his silence for his grief. "I'm sorry…"

There was a sharp knock at the door. A young nurse poked her head in. "Is everything all right?" she asked.

"Uh…yea," Bobby said. "I'm afraid the room is just living up to its nickname."

The nurse looked at them with warm, sympathetic eyes. "I'm sorry," she said. "Do you need anything? Can I do anything?"

Bobby shook his head, and Alex gently said, "No, thank you."

Alex sat back in her chair as the nurse shut the door. Bobby sat in his chair, his head resting in his hands.

"Are you really OK?" she asked.

He nodded, but Alex saw that he was still shaking.

"There's still a lot you can do, Bobby," she said tentatively.

He turned to face her, and Alex could barely look in his eyes.

"I know," he said in a low, husky voice. "Ross and Deakins both promised to help me…They think the Department will want to keep me."

An image of Bobby sitting at a lonely desk in a dark corner flashed through Alex's mind.

Bobby sensed her thoughts. "A real job…in a position that would matter…And Deakins pretty much offered me a job with the company he's with…And you know the FBI and other places have headhunted me for years."

"But it won't be the same," Alex said and immediately repented her words.

"No," Bobby said sadly. "You won't be there."

Silence covered the room.

"Alex," Bobby said suddenly. He fought to keep the desperation out of his voice. "I…you…you will…I'll still…you'll still…"

Alex studied him. "I'm your friend, Bobby…Always…I'll be here…"

He nearly collapsed with relief. "Thank God…You're the best friend I've ever had, Alex…The thought…the idea…You wouldn't be in my life…" He stopped. "Don't tell her," he thought. "Don't…Don't let her know how much…Don't…"

Alex placed a hand on Bobby's arm. "I want you in my life too," she said. "Don't," she thought. "Don't tell him how you feel. He's got enough to deal with…And you've just put him through hell…Don't…"

They had sat quietly in the room for several minutes when Lara Martez knocked softly on the door.

"I'm sorry," she said. She sensed some storm had recently blown through the room. "Mr. Goren has a therapy session in about an hour."

Alex looked pleadingly at Lara. "He's had a really rough morning. Could he…"

Bobby stopped her by placing his hand on hers. "It's OK, Alex…I think it'll actually help…Lara won't let me hurt myself…Could you just give us a few minutes, Lara?"

"Of course." Lara smiled and left.

"You'll go back to your apartment?" Alex asked tentatively.

"Uh…yea…the staff will help me get back…"

"I will too," Alex said firmly. "We'll put some things in to help you."

Bobby nodded. "The staff has already contacted my super and the building's owner…They're being pretty reasonable and nice…"

Alex smiled. "Imagine that…A reasonable owner and super in New York City."

Bobby tentatively returned her smile. "Well, by making a few changes, they make the apartment more valuable…and they get a lot of good will…but they are good guys."

Alex squeezed Bobby's hand. "It'll be ok, Bobby…I swear…I'll help." She slipped her hand from his and stood. "I'm sorry…I have to go now…Bobby…I want you to do what's best for you…but…if you could stay with the NYPD…It…to work with you even a little…once in a while…it would mean a lot to me." She shrugged. "But that's totally selfish on my part."

Bobby watched her walk away until he couldn't see her any more. "It's not selfish, Alex," he whispered. "And it wouldn't be just for you."

End Chapter Ten


	11. Chapter 11

The End

Chapter Eleven

It was a good morning, in spite of the crime scene photos that covered Alex and Shannon's desks. The case, although politically sensitive, was straightforward. Shannon had bought her favorite complicated drink from Starbuck's. And Bobby was coming to Major Case to consult on the case—not that Shannon and Alex needed him, but because of that political sensitivity.

Alex took a drink of coffee. She caught Shannon giving her a quick smile from his desks, one that she returned. In the first days after she learned Bobby wouldn't return to Major Case, Alex treated Shannon horribly—she treated everyone horribly, including, to her later shame and regret, Bobby. Deakins finally took her to the woodshed.

"Everyone's bending over backwards for you, Alex. Shannon is a great cop, and you're lucky Ross put him with you and the kid puts up with you," Deakins told her. "And don't blame Bobby…he wants to be back at Major Case…don't blame him for what he can't control."

She straightened up after that. It was still hard, but Alex let other people help her. And Bobby was remarkable. After reviewing his options—which, to his amazement, turned out to be many—Bobby chose to stay with the NYPD. The job was perfect for him, allowing him to teach and lecture at the Academy; to train veteran cops smart and ambitious enough to seek to learn; to speak to anyone the NYPD thought might listen to him. And it allowed him to tackle the most difficult cases, and once Bobby established that it was the job and not recognition that he sought and the high quality of his work and abilities, requests for his assistance poured in. The only major point of contention was Bobby's insistence that he retain his gold shield, and the Department quickly surrendered. He was a Special Investigator, a term that covered a lot of responsibilities, but he was still a First Grade Detective.

True to Dr. Lynne's words, no huge miracle occurred to change Bobby's condition. He didn't wake up one morning suddenly able to run a marathon. But he got by with a cane most of the time, and, thanks to Shannon, Bobby found himself with a large collection. The Major Case Squad threw Bobby a party which became a strange combination of welcome back/goodbye; the atmosphere was funereal until Shannon presented Bobby with a long package. Bobby opened it to reveal a gnarled, highly polished piece of wood.

"A shillelagh?" Bobby stared at Shannon.

"Yea…I figured if you needed a cane, you might as well have one with style," Shannon replied.

Before Alex could whack the younger detective up the side of his head, Bobby began laughing. "Useful as well as incredibly ugly," he told Shannon. "I like it."

In the next weeks friends and associates flooded Bobby with all sorts of canes, most of them completely useless except for their value in telling Bobby how much he was valued.

He could become exhausted late in the day; he finally had to wear glasses when he was reading or studying details. He learned how to pace himself, to listen to his body's needs and limitations. Alex saw a great deal of him. He frequently assisted Major Case, and other investigations brought him to One Police Plaza. He remained friends with Logan; he resumed a friendship with Shannon. Alex continued to help him. She was with him one day as he attempted to speak with an insurance representative and could hear the growing frustration and confusion in his voice. After he gave her a particularly desperate look, Alex took the phone from him and had the issue cleared up in a matter of minutes.

"Thank you," he said.

"It's ok," she smiled. "You just have to know the language."

"Stupid me," Bobby said. "I thought we were speaking English. I forgot insurance companies have a language all their own."

Alex worked with his super to make Bobby's apartment friendlier to a man who needed a cane for support. She and Deakins continued to share the task of driving to Carmel Ridge, but Bobby now accompanied them, and Alex thought that the loss of privacy troubled Bobby as much as his weak right leg. She and Deakins both remained in the background unless Bobby asked them to visit his mother, but they often compared notes.

"I know when it's been bad," Deakins said one morning as they shared coffee. "He's very quiet…There's been times when he hasn't said a word the entire trip back."

Alex nodded. "He's always been very private about his Mom."

"Yea," Deakins said. "I knew Bobby had a hard life…but I never knew just how hard. He's a remarkable man to have survived it."

Alex managed to convince Bobby to attend some of her family gatherings, and, after the first awkward greetings at a barbecue, Bobby showed every sing of joining the Eames horde. He sat with her mother and exchanged physical therapy war stories; sat near the grill and exchanged cop stories with her Dad and brothers and brothers-in-law; and happily played with the nieces and nephews and grandchildren.

"You ok?" Alex asked one evening as they drove back to the city. "You look worn out."

He yawned and smiled. "Yea, but it's a good worn out."

"Everything's good?" She glanced at him. He leaned back in his seat, looking as relaxed and comfortable as she could remember since the stroke.

"Yea…" He shook his head. "It's weird, Alex…Dr. Lynne tells me that my physical health…aside from this…" He put a hand on his right leg. "Is remarkably good. My blood pressure is down…I'm eating better…I've finally stopped smoking…Even work…I became a cop to help people…protect them…but I never liked carrying a gun and the possibility of…" He stopped and looked at Alex. "I'm sorry," he said. "I wasn't thinking…I know that isn't an easy subject…"

"It's ok," Alex said.

"It's just…" He studied the passing scenery. "Now I get to do everything I love about the job…and very little that I don't…the only really bad thing is…"

They were at a red light, and Alex turned to look at him. Bobby glanced at her, and then looked away quickly.

"I…I miss you," he said softly. "I miss working with you…I…I miss being with you."

Alex heard rapid breaths coming from both of them. Her head spun, and she clutched the steering wheel so tightly her knuckles turned white.

"Oh, God," she thought.

A horn's loud blast interrupted her thoughts. The driver behind the SUV wasn't happy that Alex hadn't immediately moved when the light turned green. She jerked to a start, and silence filled the car as she drove the few remaining blocks to Bobby's apartment. After she stopped in front of his building, Alex turned to him. His face was ashen and he avoided her eyes. Alex reached to touch his hand.

"I…I miss you too. Danny's a great cop and guy and he's becoming a good friend, but…" Alex bit her lip. "I miss you…all the time…not just work…"

Bobby's head shot up.

"You're…not just saying that?"

Her grip tightened on his hand. "No. Were you just saying it?"

"No," he whispered. "I…I…Alex…I'm very confused…I'm not sure what's going on…"

"I…" Alex swallowed. "I'm pretty confused, too."

"Ok." Bobby took a deep breath. "Tomorrow evening…could we talk? I…I know I'm thinking too much…but…I feel really lost right now."

Alex grabbed the life preserver he threw her. "Yea…I think that's a good idea…I'm not sure about things right now, either."

Alex sipped her coffee. "That was last night," she thought. "And I'm still not sure about things."

There was a stir, and Alex saw Bobby entering the office. He wore his usual suit—if anything, he seemed to dress more formally now that he was a consultant—and the messenger bag she'd recently given him was looped over his body. He moved carefully through the office, stopping occasionally when a detective greeted him. Shannon pulled a chair over for him, and Bobby sat next to Alex. Her heart leaped up in her throat.

"Here," Shannon said to Bobby. "We've got some more photos…and a little more information…but nothing that changes our conclusions…"

Bobby pulled several files from his bag. "I'll take a look at those…but I don't see any flaws in your case…" He looked at Shannon and Alex. "This is one of those political things, isn't it?"

Shannon nodded.

"Well, I think I can at least give you some ideas on how to reach the suspects," Bobby said.

The discussion wasn't long. Bobby and Alex retained much of their psychic link, and Alex and Shannon were developing one.

"The ADA will like this," Shannon said as he gathered the files. "I'll give her and Ross a report. Thanks, Goren."

"You were right, Bobby," Alex said as Shannon headed to the Captain's office. "He's a good detective…and a good man."

Bobby smiled. "I'm glad he's your partner. I worry less…"

Alex turned to him. "You want to buy me lunch. I know you "Special Investigators" make the big money." She paused. "And we owe each other a big talk…"

"I'd like to, Alex…very much…but I have to beg off…I have a therapy session…and if I miss one, not only does my body let me know about it, but Dr. Lynne and Lara and you give me grief. But dinner this evening, ok?"

"Ok," she sighed. "If the criminal population of New York City will just give me a break…"

Danny, noting her absent-minded air through the afternoon, told her to go on her way about an hour before the posted quitting time.

"I'll cover for you," he said.

"Thanks, Danny," Alex said as she grabbed her purse. "I owe you for this…and a lot more."

"Yea…I know…and don't think I won't collect." Danny grinned.

Alex called Bobby as she left One Police Plaza. "I got out early," she told him.

"Ross opened the cage early?" Alex thought she head the sound of pans being moved around.

"Nah…Danny's covering for me."

"I thought…maybe…if it's ok with you…" Bobby was suddenly shy. "We could have dinner here tonight."

Alex briefly considered the implications of having dinner at Bobby's apartment. "Are you cooking?"

"Trying to." Bobby's voice had a rueful tone. "I'm not sure how good it'll be, but I won't poison us."

"Ok," she laughed. "I'll be there as soon as the traffic lets me."

She became more nervous as she neared Bobby's apartment. She'd enjoyed lunches, dinners, even a few breakfasts after all night work sessions in that space. Before the stroke, Bobby was a good and occasionally adventurous cook ("I had to learn," he told her once and then hastily changed the subject), but Alex had no idea how'd he'd manage in the kitchen with the cane.

"This is important to him," she thought as she stood in front of his building. "And not just because of me and how he feels about me…whatever that is."

As she emerged from the elevator, Alex saw Bobby leaning against his doorway.

"Hey," he said and waved.

Alex laughed. "You saw me coming."

He looked at her with mock pain. "What…you don't think this was the result of my ESP?"

She passed by him. "Hey, I know your secret…you observe and work hard…" She stopped in the center of the apartment. "It smells good in here." A small table, covered with a bright yellow cloth and set with a small vase of flowers, sat near the small kitchen. "And this is nice…" She turned to Bobby, who stood shyly leaning on his cane just past the front door.

"I had some help," he said softly. "Lewis gave me a hand…but I didn't tell him who…" His cheeks were slightly red. "I…uh…don't know if this is a…"

Alex walked to him. "It's ok…I think we can call this a date…"

Bobby stared down at his shoes. "I'm a little out of practice with those."

"C'mon," Alex said. "I'm hungry…let's have dinner."

It was an alternately awkward and wonderful affair. Awkward because Bobby and Alex realized that as well as they knew each other, as comfortable as they were with each other, this was a first date. Wonderful because the food was terrific and, when they got beyond the awkward pauses, the conversation and company was funny and smart.

"Bobby…that was great." Alex pushed away from the table. "You really made it?"

He smiled proudly. "Yes…I did…There's some ice cream and coffee if you want…"

"I'm pretty full right now…but coffee would be great."

Bobby pushed back his chair and started to stand; Alex saw him waver.

"Hey, I'll get the coffee, ok? It's the least I can do after that meal," she said cheerfully. As she headed to the kitchen, Alex swept up the dishes from the table. She saw a shadow in Bobby's eyes.

When she returned to the living area with two cups of coffee, Alex found Bobby sitting glumly in the chair at his desk. He didn't look at her as she placed his cup on the desk.

"Hey," she said as she sat on the couch. "Not getting the coffee is not a major crime…"

Bobby frowned and sighed. "It's just…It's frustrating," he admitted.

"Well," Alex said calmly. "Come over here and tell me about it."

Bobby studied her. Dressed in black jeans, a black sweater, her shoes off and her feet curled beneath her, Alex looked like a contented cat curled on his couch. And he was suddenly, desperately filled with the need of seeing Alex like that every night.

"Hey, earth to Bobby." She tried for a light tone, but Bobby caught the tension in her voice.

"You know," he said, hoping his voice wouldn't betray him. "Having a bum leg…or a bum brain that gives me a bum leg…has a lot of disadvantages…like not getting coffee…" He tried to smile. "But the worst thing sometimes…Is not being able to pace when I want to…to help me think." He tapped the cane on the floor. "So I do this…It seems to be equally annoying and effective."

He stood carefully and, leaning on the cane, walked the few steps to the couch, and sat next to Alex.

"I…I don't know what to do, Alex." His voice was so low she could barely hear him. "I…I can only be honest…tell you the truth…But I've held in my feelings…for so long…especially about you…" He ran a hand through his hair.

Bobby flinched as she reached for him.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I need to say…I still feel like I can't…That we're…It's forbidden…and that's…even if you…"

He held his head in his hands; his elbows rested on his knees.

"And all of this…I'm making these huge assumption…that…that…you care for me…everything you do…and have done…tells me you do…but…I can't imagine why anyone would be with me…even before…all of this." He waved a hand. "I…I've always been so grateful…that you were my partner…that you stayed…and now…" Bobby glanced at her. In the past few months Alex had seen fear and pain in his eyes, but nothing compared with the sheer agony there now. "I'm afraid…that you'll never want to see me again…"

"Of course I'll want to see you," she blurted out. "I love you."

They stared, openmouthed, at each other for several moments.

"You look like a fish," Alex said suddenly.

"So do you," Bobby answered.

They started to laugh; the laughter turned to tears; and they fell into each other's arms. Alex, less exhausted and afraid, recovered first.

"It's ok," she shakily whispered to him. "It's all right." She rubbed his back. "I love you…I think I've loved you since I knew I was going to stay…"

He stopped crying and trembled in her arms. "I love you," he whispered. "I think I loved you since I knew you'd stay and I could."

He slipped from her arms. "I can't offer you much, Alex…But you know that…All I own is this apartment, some books, and some nice suits."

"You can offer me you," she answered.

"But you already have that."

Alex felt tears brim again in her eyes. Bobby reached and tenderly brushed his thumb across her cheek. She closed her eyes and felt Bobby's lips brush across her eyelids. She opened her eyes to find Bobby's face inches away from her; his breath gently touched her cheeks. Alex breathed deeply, leaned forward, and kissed Bobby. He made a sweet, surprised sound and returned the kiss. A warm, loving wave swept Alex, and her heart pounded in her ears.

"And," she said softly. "You look great in those suits."

Bobby laughed gently in her ear. "You look great in black."

She wrapped her arms around his neck; he responded by wrapping his arms around her. He rested his chin on her head.

"I have never been this happy," Bobby whispered.

Alex was overjoyed and terrified. "You know," she said in a shaky voice. "That's a lot to live up to."

"But…like I said…I'm afraid, Alex." His voice caught in his throat. "I'm still getting used to the idea that this…you and me…isn't forbidden."

Alex smiled. "Yea…it's strange…"

"You know they'll talk about us."

Alex laughed. "Bobby…they already talk about us…Most of the Squad doesn't understand why we haven't…haven't…since we can now…"

Bobby nuzzled her hair. "Alex." He breathed her name. "There's so much wrong with me…"

"You're a good man, Bobby."

He reluctantly pulled away from her. "I'm scared of all the things in my head…I'm scared that I'll have another stroke…I'm scared I'll hurt you…"

Alex put an arm around his shoulders.

"I'm scared too," she admitted. "But I know you…it's why I love you…and want you…"

He reached for his cane, stood, and extended a hand to her. "You're sure?"

"Yes…more than I've ever been sure of anything." She took his hand and stood.

"I want you to know," Bobby said huskily. "I didn't plan this…I may have had some hopes…but I didn't plan to…"

He was shy and hesitant, and Alex thought he was adorable.

"It's ok," she said and put her hands on his chest. "I didn't come here with any specific plans either"

He wrapped his arms around her again.

"I know," he said as again rested his chin on her head. "You hate your height sometimes, but I love being able to rest my head here."

Alex hugged him "I only wish I could get my arms around you."

"Alex…I want to be with you…I want to make love to you…but…I'm afraid…Even before…Before the stroke…It's been a long time since I've been with anyone…and the stroke…" He swallowed. "I don't know…physically…how…or if…"

She kissed him. "Well," she said gently. "I'm more than willing to experiment."

"I…don't think…I have any protection…I…"

"That's ok…I've got it…"

Bobby smiled, and stood. He picked up his cane. "Ok," he said softly and led her to his bedroom.

He sat on his bed; she hesitated in the space separating his bed from the rest of the apartment.

"Aren't you going to join me?" he asked. Alex heard the tension in his voice.

"Oh, God," she thought. "This means so much to him…to me…" She smiled at him. "Yea," she said. "But I'm always fascinated by how you manage things."

He lifted his right leg to cross his left and deftly removed the shoe, released the lower part of his brace, and slipped off the sock. He placed the leg on the floor.

"Look! The great Goren! Able to dress and undress himself…Able to remove socks and shoes…" He choked and began to rub the back of his neck.

Alex stepped up to him. "Don't be afraid…Don't worry…I love you."

He pulled her to him. She stood between his legs, his head at her breasts, his arms around her. Alex began to unbutton his shirt; he reached for bottom of her sweater. She slipped the shirt from his body and dropped it on the floor; he pulled her sweater over her head and it joined his shirt. His fingers traced the edges of her bra, and she shivered when their tips touched her nipples through the soft cotton. She yanked his T-shirt from his pants.

"This needs to go," she said huskily as she pulled it over his head.

"And this," he said as he reached behind her and unsnapped her bra.

Suddenly shy, Alex caught the bra and held it to her. "You're good at that," she said.

Bobby smiled at her and gently pulled her hands away from her body; as her bra fell to the floor, he kissed and sucked her fingers.

"You're so beautiful," he whispered. His hands covered her breasts, and Alex leaned into his touch. He pulled her gently down to sit beside him on the bed and began to kiss and stroke and nibble her body. She responded by starting her sweet torture of his body, and they both soon gasped with pleasure.

Bobby finally released her. "I'm afraid…it's time for the tricky part…"

He reached for the zipper of his pants; Alex caught his hand.

"Please…" she said. "Let me help." She eased him out of his pants and faced the brace on his right leg.

"You've never seen it before, have you?" Bobby said; he struggled to keep his fear from entering his voice.

"It looks…" Alex searched for the right words to reassure Bobby. "Complicated."

Bobby smiled. "It isn't…" He reached forward and quickly released the brace from his leg and leaned it against the wall.

"Another magnificent performance by the great Goren," Alex said.

He reached for her and gently but forcefully turned her on the bed. "I just hope the great Goren has another magnificent performance to give," he grinned down at her.

Alex grinned back at him. "Well," she said as she let her hand brush across the front of his boxers. "This part certainly seems ready."

Bobby blinked at her for a moment; then he laughed—laughed with a joy Alex had never before heard from him. It was infectious, and she laughed with him. He reached for the zipper of her jeans, and her pants and underwear suddenly joined the pile of clothing.

He stared down at her. "God," he prayed. "You're so beautiful…so more than what I ever dreamed…" He lay on his right side; she turned to face him. His hands softly traced over her body, creating wonderful sparks of fire and pleasure. Alex struggled to make sense of her feelings; she finally caught his hands, and, in a mirror of his earlier moves, tenderly kissed his fingers.

"I want to see you…all of you," she said in a husky voice, and she slid his boxers from his body. Bobby groaned.

"You're…you're beautiful, Bobby," Alex whispered. "All that physical therapy and healthy living has done you good." She nestled beside him.

Bobby reached for her. "I…how…do we do this?" he gasped.

"How about this?" she said and gently pushed him on his back. "Just let me know," she said. "If this hurts your leg or anything." She kissed him, and he arched up to her. She caught his hands and placed his hands on her breasts; his touch shook her.

"Alex…" he gasped.

"It's…it's all right…wonderful…" She slowly, tortuously lowered her body on him. "I love you…love you…"

"Alex…" His hands convulsively grabbed her breasts, and she cried out in pleasure.

"Are you," she whispered. "Is it all right?"

"Yes…oh…yes…Alex…love you…love you so much…please…" He thrust into her.

The world pulsed red and white for both of them. He flowed into her; she into him. They sobbed each other's name, and their worlds spun away from them.

She lay trembling in his arms; trembling, he held her. She lifted her head to look at him; his eyes were full of love and joy. She kissed him tenderly. "Thank you," she whispered.

"Thank you," he answered shakily. "I think…you did most of the work…"

"Your leg ok?" she asked.

"The hell with the leg," Bobby answered. "It could fall off forever for all I care right now."

Alex laughed. "That would be a terrible waste after all that work we've done."

He grinned at her. "It'd be worth it…to have you…" The grin faded and he looked intently at her. "Maybe…Alex…do you think…all of this…the reason for it…was that…we could be together like this?"

"I…well, it seems awfully cruel…" she answered.

"Maybe…but…but…and I don't believe in that sort of thing…but if that's how things work…It was worth it…more than worth it for me."

Tears flowed from her eyes. Bobby wrapped his arms around her.

"I love you," he whispered and drew the sheet and blanket over them.

"I love you," she answered.

They fell asleep as their love flowed through and around and in them.

END


End file.
